We are almost there
January 15, 2012
I keep turning to my right hoping you will be there.
I’ve been doing this for years longer than you’ve acknowledged me.
I try because I know you show me you do love me. I have trained myself to believe you do.
See… this is my fault. I’ve made you fear loving me. I’ve become dangerous. I strived for that. I wanted to be the dangerous girl – the one who wanted art and experience and never satisfied her hunger for it. I made those mistakes because I felt it made me adapt and grow. I felt strong and in control. I felt like people gave a damn. And now where am I? I’m the girl who settled down and actually found someone to love but ached inside because she’s worried she isn’t good enough.
I fucked myself into a corner.
Honestly – I’m desperately in love with my partner, but I fought hard when he didn’t want me. When I was good for certain things but not for the important.
How can I make up for the weakness that I allowed to portray.
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finally found the person that made me forget about… wait… what was his name?
…
one minor hitch – I’m not the one who makes him forget her.
…
drawing board.
Digi’s Life Lesson #097-10
April 7, 2010
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“not everything in life comes with training wheels. Sure, you’ll smash your balls the first few times, but you gotta keep gettin’ back on until you make it your bitch.”
-DigitalVixon
Suicide Hotline Updates
March 29, 2010
“pumpernickel is like bran flakes without the raisins“
“can I get a meat tenderizer and some pancake mix“
“Foil – its not just for smoking crack anymore.”
“So what if the captain had two dicks and wings… then what?”
“Step 1: put food on grill. Atep 2: flip food. Step 3: repeat until bleeding stops. step 4: eat. Its like making drinks, but with blood and patience.”
“See – people are ice skating at 11:30 – and we cant find no weed?”
“God! I want to go to the Vatican and fuck up the water.”
“So she’s got a little tang-tang and a bit ol ass?”
“Yeah – strippers wear layers, too!”
“Nothing says love like pressing your genitals against a good friend.”
“Clit-oris! Playin’ it.”
“You can sell steak for heroin?”
“(talking about money) ATM!? Those are the guys who kicked in my door!”
“I never thought anyone would answer those numbers on the bathroom stalls – but you did!”
“We’re Lexington Heights wannabes. We thugs.” “Like crips?” “No – I dont look good in blue.”
(phone rings) “Shut your n*gga fucking phone off.” “Its my mom.” “Oh. Tell her I said hiiiiii.”
“Money hoes and clothes – all a homie knows.”
“Phones are like that. Never trust anything that can call other people just by being in your pants.”
“Lace out gatorade with saltpeter.”
“So how long until they are done sewing their wild oats?” ”March obviously.”
“Guys at strip clubs arent all cool – they’re not all like me – I’ll just take you home and bang you.”
“A day without a buzz is a day that never was.”
“Its like two deaf people trying to make a sticker transaction.”
“Its eight in the morning and here we are talking about horse cock.”
“Can I get a hallelujah!” ”AMEN!!” ”Oh lord – This must be a dyslexic church.”
“It dont get hard, it just shakes” (commenting on parkinsons)
“I cant be held accountable for what comes out of my mouth after midnight.” “Its only 11, Gary.” ”SEE WHAT I’M SAYING!”
“Have you ever had the date rape drug?” “Why yes – I drank a 20oz of it!!”
“You ever been in a corn maze… on beeeeeeer?”
“Man – those were some obedient dogs” (commenting on dog statues on side of road)
“I never done black tar!”
“Wanna tongue fight??”
Tekno Love Song
March 21, 2010
“I fell in love with a bad bad man
Ever since I met him I’ve been sad sad sad
I’m a jail bird to your music
I’m a criminal in your prayer
I watch you in your sleep even when you’re not there
Rainbows wept colour all over the streets
When you went away maybe one day we’ll meet
Lip stick I’d wear for one million years
Just to stop your eyes from falling them tears”
-CocoRosie
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every shoulder I wish to smother in tears is tattooed with a huge
“i-told-you-so”
Autobiography: Dot Matrix Edition (click to enlarge)
March 15, 2010
A list of any name…
November 19, 2009
As 2009 comes to an end, I have begun to reflect on the last 10 years of my life. I’ve had my ups and my downs… been sideways at times, too. For most people I graduated with, this decade was a time to establish roots, plan for a future, make babies and fall in love. Hell, I saw the word “adult” creeping up on me, and I went running in the opposite direction. Now don’t start pointing the finger of regret at me just yet – I’ve enjoyed this time more than I’ve led you to think and the last thing I can imagine myself as is locked up in a career I despise, married to some dead beat who treats me like dirt, and never doing the things I enjoy… when I want to. With that being said – by plan for the next ten years of my life is really quite simple… “wake up laughing.”
Here’s some other things I wouldn’t mind accomplishing over the next 10 years:
- seek enjoyable employment
- make it to my 10-day Costa Rican adventure trip
- drive across the country again
- Take a large group of friends to EPCOT! <3
- own a loft or condo in close vicinity to a metropolitan area
- make it through a 13-day meditation retreat
- attend each and EVERY concert and festival that comes my way
- fall further in love with my friends and cherish every moment with them
- rise above my winter driving anxiety
- “Vargo” through Europe
- make millions off one of my genius inventions and/or scams
- find a way to make Jesus live forever*
- learn how to properly take photos
- remove the broken glass out of the nooks and crannies of my car
- … and find a bit of humor in everything that comes my way.
That doesn’t seem to much to ask. Now who wants to help fund this adventure? REMEMBER: the Digi Foundation link can be found on my myspace profile. Donate as much as you can, as often as you like. Just pennies a day can help sponsor a poor child like myself. Do the right thing.
*mucho importando for my sanity as a future adult
Dear A:
September 1, 2009
sometimes, I take my foot off the pedal… and let myself coast. I wish I could turn my lights off and roll through the darkness and feel only the wind on my skin. I yearn for a distraction from the thoughts that consume me. I allow the lights behind me to pass… and envy their courage… because I’m the one stuck there… blank. I sit at that STOP far too many moments to count… and ponder. Should I take that right turn… or stick straight and see where the night might take me.
it doesn’t leave, A. just worsens. yet I take that drive.
I still remember them whenever I look in my rearview mirror and I tap the carpeted roof in their memory. they’d wish better of me. yet it’s always the same sad route home. its always the memories passed.
“oh that song keeps singing. singing into me. soft and sweet. it carries me… out to sea. and swallows me…“
Always,
//D.
digital feedback
July 29, 2009
I may be gone, but people still seem to love me.
Check these two reviews (from Blogged.com):
(9 out of 10) Boobs, booze and brilliance is packed inside of this tiny bombshell. Laying in Bed with Charlie is a blog buffet, a wide range of delightful insight on independence, avoiding destruction and debauchery. In her blogging kitchen, she creates feasts that our minds have a strong appetite for. Though I am stuffed, I keep coming back for more:)
(10 out of 10) Laying In Bed With Charlie is nothing less than a modern digital masterpiece — a cornucopia of random thoughts and ideas, bitterly honest and appealing. Every new entry reflects an electrifying personality and one hell of a sense of humor. As a fellow writer, I can honestly say that Digi’s constant creativity is a welcome source of inspiration. Wherever I may wander, I always find my way back to her words… my only port in the storm, my home.
God save those two… they obviously lack real taste.
define. pick a number.
June 22, 2009
Throughout life, one does not miss any chance to hold onto the things that are really precious, if one is truly wise.
-Ed Greenwood
pre·cious (pr
sh
s)
3 Double Cafe Lattes and a Chai Tea
April 3, 2009
originally aired September 19, 2004
This is what happens to you if you sit in a coffee house alone for three and a half hours with nothing but a small notepad and a pen… enjoy.
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Page One
I’m sitting alone in what seems to be hell but rather I am surrounded by faces of the kind. Again – that idle chit chat – starting to miss that meaningless chatter. What ever happened to that ray of light, that sign from above? Fortune cookie predicts that “You have an ambitious nature and you will make a name for yourself.” What happens when you’ve already received that name but misplaced or borrowed it out along the way. Is there a Lost and Found for my dignity? my self respect? my existence?? Someone please…
Heal Me.
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Page Two
I dont write to make sense or to enlighten any voyeur that decides to peep through these pages. I write to kill a memory – if just for a second. I write to put my mind somewhere else – anywhere but here. I am not particularly skilled or scholared in literature, poetry, and especially spelling or grammar – and – dont plan to be. I’m not faking a “face” for you. You wont get me – now or ever. “Lost cause,” they said. Lost… but who really knows the cause?
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Page Two Part II
Good times may come tonight. Find a star and wish. wish.
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Page Three
There really should be no such thing as a “smoke free” coffee house… just as it goes for a “smoke free” bar. All the addictions or pleasures I have in life are always looked at with a sore eye.
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Page Three Part II
Listening in on a conversation not meant for me to hear – but I took certain pleasure invading their privacy. I heard glimpses of tandem enlightenment I hoped I could take in. Statements such as “relationships are…” and “the trick to happiness is…” were all cut short by the overpowering sound of espresso creation. One sugar, two creamers – is that what happiness is?
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Page Three
I have a voice that no one has heard and I am afraid to let it out. I’m afraid that it would be more like panicked screams rather than the beautiful melody I’ve rehearsed so many times in my head. If I keep bottling up all this fear and random emotion I may explode and live in the solitude of my own psyche for the rest of my known life. Who wants to hear me? Who really cares??
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Page Four
There are millions out there worse off than me – but I dont feel half as sorry for them as I currently do for myself.
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Page Four Part II
By the way, I feel dirty using a blue pen.
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The End.
originally aired September 5, 2008
I spent my morning like I do most while visiting my mother’s house – emails, resume posting, some TiVo or Wii, emails and then more job seeking. I must have applied to about 15 jobs today with the majority of them returning some sort of SPAM message into my inbox. Its enough to make a career-desperate woman like me completely infuriated… and… hungry.
I’m not much of a cook (ask anyone), but I decided that to attempt homemade chicken nuggets. If I wasn’t so excited about this little science experiment, I would have looked online for some sort of recipe or simple directions but I decided to take the task into my own hands and have a go at MarthaStewartdom.
I started by gathering my imagined ingredients – 2 frozen chicken breasts, bread crumbs, french fried onions (that should be good in anything, right?), oregano, dill weed (I put this in everything)… and ONE egg… and egg I soon found to be magical… and egg so egg-straordinary (i’m going too far now) that it may just be the sign I’ve been looking for all this time.
Thing is – I’m a woman of numbers and signs. I believe in these events and numbers (one in particular) so deeply that I am certain that they have an impact on my life. Although I am not religious, I believe that I am blessed in one way or another… and these signs help me realize that fact on a daily basis. Anyway – back to the egg…
I defrosted my chicken in the microwave, crushed the french fried onions and mixed it with my bread crumbs, oregano and dill… and then cracked my egg. I almost broke out into spontaneous dance when I saw that the egg that I had chosen… the one of nine that I could have grabbed… had TWO yolks! “Its a sign! Another sign!” I exclaimed from within. This mystical mutant of an egg must mean that all the hard work I’ve been putting into things might soon pay off… something good is about to happen.
At this point I was glowing and doing a mini tapdance and decided that I had to share the great news with my mother. I dialed her office into the phone (still dancing) and when she picked up, I exclaimed “Mom! Mom! You’ll never guess it! I cracked an egg and it had siamese yolks! Twin yolks, mom! Its the craziest thing!” to where she laughed and said “Dana… ha… those are jumbo eggs. They all have two yolks, dipshit.” and then continued laughing.
With my spirit then crushed, I scrambled my unmagical egg and continued on with my cooking adventure.They turned out terribly. I’ve never tasted such bland, flavorless chicken in all my life. I’m sure they would have tasted 100% better if I had never contacted my mother and believed I was eating some sort of two-yolked mojo nugget.
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While typing this post, I decided to look into this wild “siamese egg phenomenon” (my yolks were connected… making them even more special) and found out that not ALL jumbo eggs have dos yolks!
SO THERE MOM! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, DREAM CRUSHER!
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Dear Canada :
February 13, 2009
Living just a kick-flip away from you, I’m able to pick up Sarnia and London radio stations. Now I’ve come to understand your language and your accent (I’ve even been known to speak “Canadian” when I’m intoxicated)… but there’s this one thing that erks me every time I hear it. The word “hospital” is a common noun… not a proper noun like “Cleveland” or “Wonkaville”. And for this reason, it requires you to place the word “the” in front of it.
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“Yesterday’s storm spurred numerous accidents along the 402. Emergency crews arrived swiftly, transporting two people to hospital for treatment.“
WTF is that? You don’t hear anyone saying “Hey honey, I’m off to store. Would you like me to pick anything up?” It’s THE hospital!! THE!
… and don’t even get me started on “anymore” (misused all over). Ooooh… if you ever want to see me red-faced, throw that misuse out there. Sure, it states that it can be used in a positive tense in many published documents… but NOT IN MY BOOK, Mister… and my book is gold. “Hey. Have you seen Olivia? She’s looking good anymore.” I hate you. I really fucking hate you people. (not you… the assholes… meaning everyone BUT me)
Thank you for the entertainment you’ve allowed me over the years.
And thank you for banning me from your fine country.
thrice
February 11, 2009
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she raised her lips from his collar to his ear.
“I love you.”
without misstep or hesitation in their muted waltz, he replied
“always.”
find me… and we shall dance.
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Tom Waits – Picture In a Frame
(hover over & press play)
so you think I should move to the city??
February 7, 2009
originally aired September 22, 2004
Transplanting the many forms of Dana (danus raverosus) can be a challenging and timely process. Please keep these key factors in mind:
- Dana cannot survive in direct sunlight, please place her in a shaded area to keep her from wilting.
- Please mix her water with fertilizer She responds well to mixtures of vodka, whiskey, and rum. Please stay clear of any cheap mixes or wine coolers.
- At some time during her growth process, she may need some sort of formal education.
- When restless, play softcore porn or music with sexual influence. She will settle down.
- Dana loves the nightlife, to have a well rounded specimen, you will absolutely need to take her out regularly.
Congratulations on your new purchase. With the right amount of care, Dana will grow into a loving, kind-hearted companion. Have Fun!!
Dana Growers of America(DGA)2004
Yesterday Takes The Cake
January 24, 2009
Stephen Lynch – “Craig”
(hover over & press play).
Whenever I need a good laugh, I rummage through my stats to see how people are getting to me. Never have I had a day with such interesting searches. I have to ask Google :: “Why Me?!“
This is not a sexual blog whatsoever… so whats up with the cell phone insertion tag? And whats a “DONK”???
Sounds more like something that would send people to “This Buddy of Mine” or “Get Wright” which are both blogs of incredible poor taste. Shame!
What are some of the weird ones you guys are getting??
Wuh, Wuh, Wuh. Two Dots.
January 23, 2009
I know the majority of us, especially us netters, have been spoiled with digital television for quite some time. In fact, we’re so cool, we’ve moved up to HD… TiVo, LCD Flats and Blueray.
As the deadline for the digital switch (Feb 17th) draws closer, I want you all to to remember the little people… more importantly, those crippled little people we like to call our grandparents, the musty old guy next door and the creep who lives in your basement. Start your year off right by helping these poor souls switch their sets. Lord only knows what will happen or how many surprise visits we’ll get if they don’t have their precious babysitter… I mean… “stories”… to keep them occupied.
I’m a little sad to wave goodbye to analog. Some of my favorite memories were spent sitting perched in my Nana and Grandpa Joe’s living room watching The Price Is Right (fun on Wii, btw) on an ancient, turn-knob set while eating cottage cheese.
Good Bye, Rabbit Ears.
Pimp Yo Life
January 23, 2009
Singing Songs and Carrying Signs…
January 22, 2009
“Hippy is an establishment label for a profound, invisible, underground, evolutionary process. For every visible hippy, barefoot, beflowered, beaded, there are a thousand invisible members of the turned-on underground. Persons whose lives are tuned in to their inner vision, who are dropping out of the TV comedy of American Life.
-Tomothy Leary
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Arlo Guthrie – Alice’s Restaurant Massacree
(hover over & press play)
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HIPPIES OF THE WORLD : I’m not prejudice against your kind. Hell – I love you guys. I love your music, your organic turkey wraps, your happy combination of both loud and muted colors, your awareness of nature, your festivals, your naked dancing bodies in the rain, your handmade goods, your happy hippy babies and your willingness to share the “goods“.
But just like any social clique out there, there’s some bad apples up in your mix. Bitter, bruised and not-suitable-for-horse-feed type hippies. Bobby Brown hippies who ruin it for the pleasant and kind Whitney hippies. We don’t like Bobby Brown hippies.
Protected: Bringin’ Back The Good Shit #1
January 21, 2009
Obama Made Me A Woman
January 20, 2009
click to view tour pics
I hope none of you out there under the impression that I’ve always been a strong follower and supporter of political happenstance – because it just aint so. To tell you the truth, I had no idea about what was going on in or outside of Washington just up until this past September… and to continue with my honesty, I just didn’t give a damn. The only things that ever really kept my attention for more than three minutes was a good beat, a good soup and bright lights.
If you think I paraded around the country with an equally mixed group of carnies and hippies for the politics, you’re crazy. I had no idea about Obama’s agenda, his story… or how cute he looks when he smiles at Michelle. I like to travel. Shit – I LOVE IT. I sure didn’t work for the “Devil In White Gloves” for the family values. I did it for the travel… and a little for the bitches.
How did I happen to fall onto this crazy train? Simple. All it took was a phone call from a good buddy of mine, Joe Cool.
“Hey Dana! You want to go to New York City for 9/11 and sell buttons?”
Pffft! I immediately packed and left ten hours later. I’m JUST THAT EASY.
click to view other photos
What was supposed to last four days, turned into a few weeks and was one of the best times of my life. I wrote about the majority of the experience in “The Obama Tour : Classy Edition” and you can also read some of the funny quotes I took down along the way along with a short video of Joe Cool (acting as a drunken me) in “Quotes From the Road“.
Do I continue to not care? No. At the end of our journey, while we were having a couple drinks, we turned to each other and laughed when we caught ourselves “politic’in” with the locals. We caught the vibe. We got the bug. And we felt a passion.
If you’re ever lucky enough to see Obama in the flesh and hear him speak, I believe you’d understand. We went to a number of rallys, but were only able to see him speak twice – once in New Hampshire and again in New Mexico. I cant describe it – but it felt like he was talking to each person there as if they were the only person at the event. Women wept, children danced… they were incredible sites. He honestly did give HOPE and spread that hope to thousands at a time.
In my 8 years of legal voting age, this election was my first. And I am proud.
click to view tour pics
So today I set myself up on the sofa ready and proud to watch my candidate come into office and felt an incredible amount of emotion come over me. Not just because of the historical significance that comes along with his presidency, but because for the first time in my life, I felt like I cared about something truly important… and I felt like an honest-to-god adult. I may have only taken a few baby steps, but I really believe that I’m getting somewhere.
So after I wiped my face of the remnants of my “Color Guard” weep session, I called my mother at her office to make certain she was watching a streaming feed. She was… good mommy! We chit chat for a bit about Hillary and the Carters and then she rudely demanded that I run outside to grab spinach & asiago sausages from the freezer to thaw. Knowing there was just minutes until Obama hit the spotlight, I refused… which turned into a bit of a battle.
Mom : “Get EM”
Me: “NO! I wanna watch this live!”
Mom : “But I need them thawed for dinner!”
Me: “I’m not pausing ‘Bama for your sausages!”
Mom : “Just go get them!”then I noticed Rev. Rick Warren was delivering the evocation…
Me: “GOD DAMMIT MOTHER! We’re supposed to be PRAYING!”
Mom : “Jeeeesus Christ. I gotta go.”
Look! All grown up and standing up to my mommy. Thanks Obama!
Dry Humping the Ride Home
January 19, 2009
has a Canadian radio station ever made you throw your hands up in praise for a gem its thrown your way… no matter how sadly pathetic the sound quality may be?
90.3FM, a London-based radio station did just that to me about fifteen minutes ago when it sent Kia Kadiri, a Vancouver bred songbird, my way.
THIS SONG (Who Are We) is amazing. I’d love to embed it, but you’ll have to check it through Last.fm. You can listen to FULL VERSIONS of her other tracks on the site as well. I prefer the ones with the jazzy/reggae undertones … I find the guitar in “Hands Up” a bit garish but it in no way deters me from wanting to hear more from her.
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With that being said – Thanks Canada.
And don’t worry – I still promise to never step foot on your precious bridge again. Assholes.
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( the Digi-hate is so strong in the north, that they even refuse to aknowlege me as a visitor to their site )
Dammit, SON!! Can’t ya READ??
January 19, 2009
graphic by Matt Forsythe
I posted a discussion on 20sb about Google Reader a couple days ago and it surprised me the amount of emails I received from users who have either 1. never heard about it, and 2. are confused as to how to use it.
The people at Google (god bless, em) put together some guides and videos (both by users and google) to help the novice RSS‘er get acquainted with this tool.
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Detroit Grand Pubahs “Sandwiches”
(hover over & click play).
- Google Reader For Beginners!!!
- CNET : “Newbie Guide to Google Reader“
- Firefox : Add-ons
- Video : “Google Reader In Plain English“
RSS (rich site summary) is a simple way to keep up on all your favorite online material including blogs, syndicated sites and even TWEETS . There’s no need for us to fumble through hundreds of links and bookmarks in this day and age just so you can read about some NIT WIT TEEN who got caught using a tampon applicator to snort her blow (ameteur)… why not have the magical internet fairy deliver them to you (dont ask her to do much else, she’s minx’y little bitch).
There are many readers out there (even in Outlook) but I enjoy using Google Reader the best first because of its ease of use and secondly because its web based. This means you can catch up an all the goods while out on the town – & even check them on your phone (perfect for church or community service)!
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What do you think of Google Reader? Do you use anything else?
What do you RSS?
Want me to add your site or blog? Tell me why!
I prefer to read THE ONION on the toilet. How about you?
He Loves To Blow My Horn
January 17, 2009
Dana Braun : Not a prostitute to my knowledge, but she eats apples as far as I know
“She’s one of my favorite people, best pals, and preferred whack jobs. She’s one of the members of the short list of people I’m genuinely, honestly glad I know. The stupid, friendlyvolleys in the links here bare that out, if you’re weird and have weird friends, you’ll catch that quick. She also has a mighty prominent set of bosoms, which is a nice bonus in a friend. As long as that friend’s a woman. I assume Dana really is female, though I’ve never lifted her tail to verify.” click here to continue reading Digi Tribute.
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To My Dearest Mark :
I appreciate all the wonderful things you had to say about me in what I must say is a lovely tribute. I’ve often wondered over the years why more and more people haven’t written dedications to me. I imagine they have – but keep them tucked under their pillows in hope that I visit them in their dreams.
You, on the other hand, have an agenda… I can smell it plastered all over your idiotic blog. You, more than anyone, know that a post like that would easily agitate a long, drawn-out and passionate rebuttal from me (hence sending more traffic to your site). Well sir, I refuse to allow my blog to become your wet dream!! However — I will tell you this…
I NEVER LISTEN TO YOUR STUPID RADIO SHOW
I HATE YOUR CAT
I DONT EAT APPLES (prostitution questionable, pending trial)
your adoring friend,
yeah yeah… you got your links…
i have trouble showing how much I
love you without having to crawl out of the
thick, scabby infestation of hate first.
‘Higher Power’ Saves Detroit Festival 2 Years In A Row.
January 17, 2009
Whats In Store For Year 10??
This year will mark the 10th anniversary of Detroit’s famous electronic music festival – beginning as DEMF, renamed to Fuse-In and now, Movement. People from all over the world gather at Hart Plaza during this 3-Day explosion of ear-banging debauchery… but no two have worn through it greater that the nearly-wedded, crazy cackling, techno ‘singing’, whiskey-hitting duo of Digi (myself) and Drunky Brewster.
Fans, followers and critics alike have studied this team’s antics over the years and are quite amazed at how through even the roughest of times, these two always seem to show up early Saturday morning, liquor in tow, shoes-a-blingin’, ready to dance. But what happened in ’07 and ’08 to this seemingly inseparable pair?? Some believe it was the workings of a protective ‘higher power’.
As you may remember, Digi and Drunky refused to speak to one another during the ’07 festivities due to a fight which broke out just days before the weekend. And the pair split up yet again last year due to a security raid in their hotel room which then spread into horrific name calling, sobbing and parking lot verbal beat-downs.
It has been said that these arguments were caused in part by an act of ‘GOD‘ in order to preserve the sanctity of the festival… and the sanity of some of its loyal festie-goers. Professionals agree that the twosome might be too strong a power for one tiny city to take on in such a condensed amount of time… so ‘god’ intervened by throwing them both on their period, filling them with rage… thus separating this whirlwind of party mayhem into two distinctive and more manageable parts.
Will God step in between these two party specialists once again??
Whats in store for Rothbury Part Deux?
Well kids, there’s only 125 left until we find out! Lets hope Armageddon doesn’t come early.
now that I think of it…
CAN I REALLY HANDLE A 10th YEAR??
Paper Chasin’
January 16, 2009
Riddle me this, interweb and interwebbers :: when exactly do you receive your college refund check?
I’ve always paid for college with cash, but with times being so “rough”, I’ve called upon the assistance of financial aid, the NWLBprogram and… ahem… the dreaded student loan.
NOTE: If you live in Michigan, are a college student or are thinking about going to college or trade school in the future – PLEASE look into the “No Worker Left Behind Program“. Who wouldn’t want $10,000 for college with no strings attached?? Not only that – the program is paying for my fuel, helping with insurance (one month as of now), and will be helping with new tires and brake repairs. Best of all, anyone can sign up (as long as you live in MI & earn under $40k a year).
Why am I so anxiously waiting for these funds? Here’s a list of just some of the things I am in need of :
- car insurance (for a BMW)
- new windshield (again, for a BMW)
- fuel (PREMIUM. I’m kicking myself for buying that car)
- new PC or laptop repair
- THIN CLOTHES! / work and play
- health/dental insurance
- debts (≈ $600), Joe Cool ($250+) & Kevin Sturtz ($30)
- DEMF fund
- Rothbury fund (most important thing on list)
- vitamins (fish oil, liquid b12, biotin + many more)
- new cell phone + 6mo of service
- solar lights, new tent, hammock, weather balloon
- WordPress upgrade so I can embed the music player ($20)
Please Student Loan Network… send me some cash. I promise… there’s at least some future in my frontin’!
D Double. I Proclaim My Name.
Prostitute Eats An Apple. News @ 9
January 15, 2009
I really hate to discourage my new readers, but the intro to this post is merely to prove a point. It’s a point none of you will understand… none, that is, but one.
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Prostitute Eats An Apple
Prostitute Eats An Apple
Prostitute Eats An Apple
Prostitute Eats An Apple
I just killed your legacy.
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With that being said, I want to welcome you all into 2009. I know I’m two weeks late, but you’ll have to learn to appreciate my passionate and long-lived relationship with Lady Procrastination. Perhaps that should be one of your resolutions. In fact, I’d prefer that it was. I know I haven’t posted as frequently as I have in the previous 5 years… but I guarantee you quality… or at least a good chuckle.
Please kids, learn how to 
On-campus schooling began for me last night. My “books” for Med Term didn’t show up until just as I was pulling down the drive. I say “books” because they weren’t books at all… they were flashcards… not at all what I thought I was ordering. Now instead of saving money, I will be dishing out additional (and non existent) funds at the campus bookstore to pick up a NEW copy of the required book which so nicely also comes with flashcards.
“what does she intend to do with two sets of med term flashcards?”
Well kids… I’m going to lovingly tear apart one set and study chapters one and two the majority of the week. Get an A in the class and exfoliate my ass daily so that the dean has somewhere soft to place her lips once I make her prestigious list.
After I’ve stewed long enough about the extra $78 I just handed over to the school (money which should be going to the Rothbury fund), you’ll probably see me on the news fighting off paramedics and police officers after I have let sail approximately 300 FLAMING educational leaflets on an overpass. I just pray they take note of my dedication for I plan to fold each tiny card into a high performance, death-wielding, kamikaze paper airplane… OF DOOM!
… now can someone please sell me their xanax script …
Ask Digi #6: Seven Seconds In Heaven
January 11, 2009
The lovely and surprisingly talented DankoRamone (aka “Mark Who Ignores His Friends On NYE” as I like to call him), apparently tagged me in a meme.
Although I usually despise these games of “cat chase mouse,” I’ll do it to humor MARK… for he is my friend and the brown shirt I curl up to nightly strangely smells of him.
Today’s MEME flavor : 7 strange or unique facts about yourself. Here we go…
I prefer to drink with straws and eat with small forks
Coffee, soda, water, cocoa and sometimes tea… I’ll always grab a straw. Call it grill sensitivity, call it OCD… call it what you like. This broad only sucks through plastic.
The fork thing is OCD… I’m sure of it. I will dig through a silverware drawer well until after my food has gone cold just to find a dessert or salad fork to eat with. Perhaps it makes the food taste better… perhaps its an optical illusion to make my mouth look larger and more attractive. Nah… no reason for it. Nope.
What can I say… I’m just a lady of preference.
I once accidentally stripped at Biscos in Emmett, MI
Age: 18 yrs. My girlfriend asked me to support her on amateur night at one of the ghetto-ist clubs in Michigan. While she sat at the bar pussing out before her dance, I was being propositioned by a businessman via blond stripper to do a dance of my own.
At first I turned him down, but once he offered me $500 for a private dance… and remembering that my boyfriend at the time gave me permission to take off my top… I agreed. Once the deal was made and the handshake took place, the blonde dancer took me in the back room to get changed.
She threw me in a sheer tu-tu with green trim, nylons (for safety purposes)… and offered me a pair of pumps that I quickly turned down. Its embarrassing enough that I’ve talked myself into doing this… but to trip and break an ankle in heels… no way!
I was next ushered to the bar where I perused the cd book under spray painted red lights to find my once-in-a-lifetime striptease soundtrack – “Like A Virgin”. The bartender threw it into the boombox (I cant make this up) and I was off. I stepped up on stage and gave those boys my most seductive dance moves… I was poppin’, lockin’… I even think there was a bit of shimmyin’… I was having a blast… until I realized that I completely forgot to take the top off!!
There must have been only about twenty seconds of the song left because I could see my friend pointing to her watch so I scrambled to get the damn thing off. As I panicked, I ended up getting caught in the top with my arm akwardly stuck in front of my face hindering my breathing, half in the shirt and out. After about ten seconds fighting with the thing, one of the lovely ladies came up and helped me pull it off. Graceful, I know. The song was already over by the time I got it off and I stood there like “yeah… these are my tits. OMG!” I covered myself up and ran off stage to change into my lady clothes.
Completely embarrassed and too young to order a drink, I approached the business man to apologize. He laughed and handed me $300 because he said he appreciated my “innocence”. It don’t get any better than that, kids!
I was born pigeon-toed
What does that mean? I means that while I was developing, my shins or ankles were twisted, making my feet point inward.
Don’t laugh. Its not funny. So un-funny that my mom told me over pancakes this morning that she often cried because I was such a pathetic mess.
I did get to wear special shoes (not much unlike today)… and I’m sure I received a lot of sympathy love from relatives that may or may not have paid that much attention to me otherwise.
Although this was corrected at a young age, I can see that my feet are going back to that position. Need to train my ankles back into shape!
CLICK BELOW READ REST OF MEME
Turn, Turn, Turn…
November 25, 2008
.click link to view blog entries.
One year ago yesterday, I was in Seattle, WA… on a Greyhound bus on my way to a sexual predator’s (click to read) home in Spokane. A few days later, I was kidnapped by two different men on two different dates… who both replied to my Craigslist ad (click to read) . Those were the days. Those were the times. How I miss what once was.
The holiday season is here again. I have more time on my hands than ever, which gives me plenty of time to reminisce about the things I’ve done in seasons passed… especially last year. Boy how things have changed. No longer am I pummeling through the country, city to city, week by week… but I’m living my greatest fear – stagnancy. A life that was full of nothing but new experiences, relationships and challenges is now life behind a screen hoping for a call-back.
I wont be eating my Thanksgiving meal alone in a freezing gas station (click to read) this time around… instead, my 3.5oz of turkey will be ingested with family. And I’m thankful for that.
Happy Holidays.
My Wife Left Me For Another City
November 19, 2008
Flying White Dots “A Day Of Madness”
(hover over icon & press play)
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Sunday marked the first of many dark days in my small and sorely swollen Digi heart. My wife of six years, Mo-lissa, left techno for house, Detroit for Chicago… its a sad sad thing. Twice I’ve left her home to fend for herself while I traveled the country and now I know the despair she must have felt being left behind while I searched for bigger and better things.
My Dear Molissa – you sounded so alone and empty on the phone a few moments ago. Whenever you are pained, I want you to look up into the sky and remember that it is the same sky I’m dancing under. And when you’re home, you can listen to our favorite tunes (click to listen to our playlist)… and roll around on the kitchen floor just as if I were there.
Dear Chicago – please dont mind this wandering gal. All I ask of you is to be kind, throw some monkeys her way… and never… I mean NEVER… stop her from buying “big”.
We will be together again.
Your loving wife,
=====================================================
All donations to the Digi Foundation will now go towards sending me to Chicago.
Please donate now… DONATE OFTEN!!!
put the fire under your ass, young america!!
September 23, 2008
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“I don’t know the candidates”
“I don’t think I’m registered”
“I don’t have the time”
The Obama Tour (Classy Edition)
September 23, 2008
- “I’m writing this down because I once heard that when you’re getting older you’re liable to forget things and I’d sure be the most miserable woman in this world if I ever forgot what happened this summer.”
- Gidget, the Little Girl with Big Ideas
Quotes From The Road
September 22, 2008
Digi Goes Guerilla On Tour With Obama
September 7, 2008
I’m leaving tomorrow to follow the Obama clan – state to state – on a short tour. I’m going to be travelling with a group of crazy hippies through the land… slangin’ our wares to anyone and everyone. I wont have internet access while I’m on the road, but I’ll have notebooks on me to catch any glimmer of creativity that may occur… or not… then I’ll just upload the scribblings of a drunken mind.
I’m meeting up with the clan early tomorrow morning here in Michigan for a democratic rally, then we’re packing up for Virginia… and then we’ll be heading to NYC – Ground Zero for Obama and McCain’s little get-together. I dont know if I’ll be able to hande it there that day… I am far too emotionally sensitive… well… I guess I can suck it up for the money.
Whatever states we’re hitting up after that is not yet known… those candidates like to be sneaky little sucklings.
See you when I get back!
An Ode To An Age Bracket
September 5, 2008
(drunkenly scribbled in the composition book that sits on my iron coffee table)
Part One : written in the 18-25 age bracket
double A’s and a wicked imagination alone.
Hurt Too Many Too Many Times
September 5, 2008
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Digi’s Guide to Tour Life
January 28, 2008
taken in a Denver bathroom
So I hear that you’re interested in throwing away your professional life and joining the troupe for some in-your-face, jet-setting tour experiences. I’m sure you have questions as to what this once-in-a-lifetime adventure has in store for you, so I’ve decided to break it down a little for all the eager beavers out there.
Welcome to::
Digi’s Guide To Tour Life
Part 1: Getting There Is The First Step
Hometown got you down? Feel like your going nowhere? Cant find a job?Want to see the country? Of course you do! Why not quit your job, leave school (and financial responsibilities) and join the happiest tour on earth!First thing you need to do is find your favorite pub where you should get yourself sickeningly shit faced. Make sure to pathetically bitch to everyone around you about how much you hate your life. Like clockwork, one of our trusted representatives will sit next to you, buy you a drink and inform you of all the great times to be had and money to be made on the road. You will then talk yourself into dropping everything you have, go home, throw up a bit (or overeat in some cases), kiss your mother goodbye and take off on your great adventure. Good luck, fool!
Part 2: The Fashionable Traveler
No fashionistas out here, yo! You have to pack everything you need for 9 months in two suitcases (not exceeding 50lbs) and one carry-on bag.Impossible, you say?! Not quite. Just make sure you pack three shitty outfits to wear for load-ins and outs… and a few for going out. Its really all you need. Don’t go overboard on your shoes, either. Four light pairs should cut it… and flip flops are a great to drunkenly bounce around the hotels in.Included in that 100 total pounds will also be your toiletries. Don’t bring a hair dryer, but please don’t forget your deodorant.
A laptop and MP3 players are a MUST!! I shouldn’t have to go into further detail about that.
Part 3: Relationships
Back Home:: Get ready to say goodbye! Every relationship you’ve built over the years is now in serious jeopardy. You can try to convince yourself time and time again that you will keep in touch with everyone back home on a fairly regular basis… but that’s not going to happen, my friend! You’re going to get so caught up in all this new-found fun and independence that you will barely have the chance or have the slightest interest to call back home to hear about the same drama and all the bullshit… and more importantly, you DON’T want to hear how some of the people back there are actually making something of themselves. You’re selfish now. Don’t feel guilty… everyone out here is truly an asshole in one way or another.
On The Road:: You’re about to live with 150 fun and exciting people from all over the world. Most of them will take a few weeks to warm up to the “new guy”, while others will desperately follow you around like a lost puppy. Don’t feel like its your fault, kids are a bit cliquey out here. First thing you should do – find the biggest person you can (preferably an operator) and punch them square in their nose and then ask them to borrow money for your bank. This will establish you as a tough guy and the others will know not to fuck with you and a few will even take you in with open arms.
Maintaining relationships with the opposite sex (or same, in some cases) are almost impossible. It may be tempting to sleep with a lot of people out here, but remember, everyone tries to sleep with everyone… yucky. You’re going to see a lot of broken hearts, betrayal and prostitutes around campus… pay no mind. Be like Digi – alone and miserable. It’ll grow character!!
Part 4: Living Arrangements
Congratulations – you’re now living rent free (almost)… but that doesn’t mean you’ll be slumming it. You will be paired up with another emotionally lost tour kid who will be your roommate in some of the finest hotels in the country. Although each hotel is different, they are usually conveniently located in a downtown area, have a gift shop where you can buy smokes and postcards, have bars and restaurants, refrigerators and microwaves, shuttle services or are close to public transportation, room service (sometimes free made-to-order breakfasts)… and don’t forget, someone from their lovely staff will come in daily to clean up your filthy messes, collect your beer bottles, fluff your pillows and make your bed. Golden.
Please keep in mind, they will charge you for nail polish and blood stained carpets.
Part 5: Financial Independence
Bills? Sure… you’ll still have to take care of your extravagant cell phone payments, but electric and gas bills are a thing of the past! Now you can work and everything you make goes straight into your pocket. If you know what you’re doing out here, you’ll be making anywhere from $800-$2,000 a week… CASH! Don’t forget to put some aside for taxes, though… or you’ll find yourself in a bit of a pickle come tax time.
Just like back home, you will still have to take care of your own groceries, liquor, laundry, and hooker expenses.
Part 6: On-The-Road Party Guru
In a new city and don’t know what to do? I’ve found that it helps to write an incredibly witty ad in the local Craigslist personal sections and see who you can find to take you out. It’ll save you money on drinks and transportation in most cases. If you are too shy to go that route, ask the concierge or look in the paper for local happenings. I found that a cell phone with GPS capability is handy for finding bars and concert halls… good investment.
Part 7: Transportation
You will be traveling city to city, state to state on either a charter bus or business class flight. A van will usually take you from your hotel to the arena, or, if close enough, your sore and tired ass will be walking yourself to the arena… rain or shine.
In your free time, you are completely responsible for your transportation.Personally, I love city transport in all its glory – trains, cabs, busses, peddle cabs, water taxi, etc. You’re going to meet some interesting folks and learn a lot about this cool new town you’re privileged enough to be staying in…. and if you’re really lucky, you might find a bus driver in Long Beach who will take you for a ride in “Stealth Mode”.
So there’s the basics, kids. If you have any other questions or concerns, feel free to ask.
See you all in May!
Spokane Craigslist Post
November 26, 2007
Weird Broad Visits Spokane On Business. News @ 11. – w4m
Why hello there. First off, I would like to let you all know that I don’t plan on being six feet under for at least another twenty years, so please don’t kill me… it would be much appreciated. Besides, I haven’t written my will as of yet, and I’d hate for my pug puppy to be handed off to some jerk-off who will feed him cheap food and dress him up. We cant have that… now can we?
Ok… so now that all the molesters have closed the window or gone to another ad, I’ll let you know a bit a little about myself. I was born a healthy child in 1982. I was an honor student and a pretty bad-ass badminton player. I lost a leg in a severe Segway accident back in the summer of ’01. I still enjoy dancing… or, “thumping” in my case… and make it a point to get loaded at least once a week.
I’m looking for someone to show me whats good about this little town. I’ve walked through the park… been to Boo Radleys… but haven’t done much else. I have some good stories… I’d love to share them and listen to yours as well.
Please dont think you’re going to get me into bed. If you think rug burns are bad, you should see what a little friction against The Beast (which is what they call my wooden leg) will do to you. Not a pretty site, sailor.
So if you love drunken amputees, I’m the chick for you. Hit me up… I’ll be here for another week and a half. Check out my myspace page… myspace.com/digitalvixon
Word.
That one was a lot of fun until an actual amputee with a love for pugs started writing me. Perhaps I’ll use that one again…
the BEAST
I was picked up by two gentleman callers who responded to this ad. The first adventurous man drove up to my hotel in a large SUV with two kayaks firmly strapped on top. We started off with some drinks at the Zombie Room and he later threw me over the wall of the Nishinomiya Japanese Garden (thats not technically B&E, is it?) and later on, we tried getting into a church after hours… BEST LINE EVER – “where do you think Jesus hides his spare key??”… boy, I miss you UG!!
The second gentleman was a scientist. We met at a cafe near my hotel on chilly afternoon and drank coffee while discussing the power of James Earl Jones’ voice. Did you know he narrated the Bible on Audiotape??
Orrin and Ug are forever my Washington buddies. I thank them for showing me such an amazing time! And also for not killing me.
A Very Conoco Thanksgiving
November 23, 2007
Thanksgiving barely seems like a holiday when you are alone and thousands of miles from your family. The hotel offered an amazing feast for $40 which included ::
Relish Platter
Marinated & Grilled Veggies
Crab and Spinach Dip w/Flat Bread
Salami Coronets
Belgium Endive w/Smoked Salmon
Soups & Salads
Forest Mushroom Soup
Acorn Squash Bisque w/Chevre & Rosemary Crostini
Butter Lettuce Salad w/Candies Pecans, Gorgonzola and Vinegarette
Choice of Entree
Maple & Sage Roasted Turkey
(w/apricot & apple stuffing, garlice chive mashed potatoes, fresh cranberry sauce, turkey gravy, whipped sweet potatoes, green bean saute w/sweet onions and red chili sauce)
Roast Prime Rib of Beef Au Jus
(w/fried onions, garlive chive mashed potatoes, and green bean saute)
Bone-In Berkshire Sirloin End Chop
(w/port wine apple onion confit served w/sage spratzle, whipped sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts w/crisp fried onions)
Pan Roasted Salmon Fillet
(w/oregano butter and grilled meyer lemons, buttered fingerling potatoes, green bean saute)
Desert Table
Pumpkin Pie w/Whipped Cream
Pumpkin Cheesecake w/Orange Creme Anglaise
Deep Dish Apple Pie w/Bourbon Cream
Chocolate Fountain w/Fresh Fruit, Sponge Cake, and other Sweets
Assorted Mini Pastries
$4 BOTTOMLESS Champaigne
Tell you what… the sound of that menu made my mouth water. But being the broke asses we were, Nate, Cesar and I celebrated with a meal including Philly Steaks, nachos, hot dogs and Sun Chips that we picked up at the local gas station. $13 went a long way… and boy is my wallet thankful for that.
Mad props goes out to Conoco gas station. You were a Thanksgiving lifesaver!
I hope your holiday was filled with friends and loved ones, laughs and hugs. Take care of yourselves.
… now lets see whats up with that bottomless champagne.
PS I decided to post a Craislist ad… you can view it here.
Sex Cells
November 21, 2007
Riverfront Park. Great Place to Chill.
As the crew of able-travelling Disneyers headed to Vancouver, Rachael Spangler and I shacked up in our own room for the night, ready to go our own ways – Rachael to Colorado, Digi to Spokane.
I was unable to join the team into Canada for two obvious reasons 1) no passport, and 2) I’m “me”. I’ve stressed since the beginning of tour as to how I was going to find shelter for my week off. Being the little web-savvy chica that I am, I went straight to Craigslist where I found a Mr. Bill Frederick who was renting 1 bedroom dublex close to downtown Spokane with a fireplace, hot tub, high speed internet, kitchen, and laundry for… get this… $25 a day!! My own apartment?! Live like an adult again?! Do as I please???!! Better bet I jumped on that faster than a drunken cheerleader on a frozen hotdog.
Rachael and I woke early to go our separate ways. I was so excited to leave the hotel that I accidentally left my breakfast sandwich in the lobby microwave to jump in the first cab that pulled up. Yeah… so excited to start my new adventure that I actually forgot about food!
On the way to the Greyhound station, I took in my final sites of the city while texting Billy (B2De) on my brand new Helio Ocean. I tipped the cabby and reached for my device as he pulled away to message Billy when I realized that my gateway to the world was GONE!! Panic hit. All my contacts, addresses, photos and videos from the past three weeks were gone… not to mention the contact number for the duplex. I payed a random $5 to use her Blackberry to call the cab company. After a few minutes and a few tears, they called back to inform me that my phone was not in the cab. BULLSHIT!! Reluctantly, and a bit scared, I boarded the bus and headed to the other side of the state.
I left at 9:15am and arrived @ E. Broad Street around 5pm. I was greeted by two elderly muts and moments later an even older Mr. Fredericks. He seemed like a pretty easy-going and friendly character on the phone, but my idea of him changed after I entered the “duplex”. This was no duplex… I learned quite quickly that the house I was to live in for a week was a kind of sex den. ((honestly… you cant make this shit up))
I realized this as he gave me the “tour”. Sure… there was a hot tub and fireplace in the livingroom… there was even a bar… but this was no apartment at all… just a few bedrooms with locks on them… and canvas wardrobes everywhere. I noticed womens clothing in them but paid no mind to them at first thinking that perhaps his wife had passed and he was storing her old attire.
I felt a bit uncomfortable and disappointed that I wasn’t renting a separate apartment and told him that I was going to pass and look for other arrangements. He was a bit furious with me claiming that he turned down other offers because I confirmed to stay the week… so I paid him for the week, brought my luggage up, locked the door and began to settle in for my ONE night.
I found it quite odd that he had wardrobes in my room and even a stack of plastic sheets on the table… then I noticed the camera lights and stands in the corner… so I decided to play Digi Drew and snoop around a bit. The books on the shelves were all soft-core and upon further inspection into the wardrobes, I canceled out the fact that the clothes were his passed wife’s… unless, of course, she were a cos-play hooker in her late teens/early 20s. The wardrobes had post-it labels indicating the contents by color and size – petite to XL. Inside were nighties, nurses costumes and a whole series of bleached burlap dresses with holes in the chest… and that was just one of them! These rolling closets were all over teh house. Being the good Digi Drew that I am… I photographed the evidence.
Now amazingly uncomfortable, I ran downstairs to request time online to write my mother to inform her of my dire situation. The man hovered over me while I typed, so I wrote her that I was safe and all was well. I felt quite the opposite. As I typed, I noticed about 15 printouts on the table beside me with very graphic personal ads with photos of young naked women. Yucky! Who the fuck is this guy!? He allowed me to do some laundry which was awesome, but when I wasn’t around, he threw his man panties into my wash! My KMart briefs were dancing around with his silk BVDs!!
Needless to say, i never used the bathroom that night or the next morning because I was afraid this man had the house wired with cameras. You can all breathe now… the man did not molester me.
I called a cab and rushed out as soon as I could and headed downtown where a few of my friends were staying.
For the past hour, I have been sitting in the hotel restaurant, racking my brain about what I am going to do about my current situation (no phone, little cash, nowhere to stay, not familiar with city). I’ve been listening in on a depressing conversation between an uncle and his family about splitting up his estate and scattering his ashes. He’s come to terms with his passing… good for him… looks a bit like Orville Reddenbacher though.
It’s 9pm now and I have yet to find a reasonably priced place to sleep as of yet. Wish me luck.
CLICK MORE TO VIEW PHOTOS FROM SEX DEN!! Read the rest of this entry »
Flight 460
October 25, 2007
Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.
-Dr. David M. Burns
- Not being understood
- Stagnance
- Forever living a lie
- Spreading my mother's ashes
- Never finding true love / being unloved
- Unfaithful lovers
- Harm to friends and family
- Always feeling like this
(so heavy)
October 3, 2007
“The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”
-Tom Robbins (one of my favorite authors)
In most instances, the only things I ever have to say about him are negative. I've hurt for so long, and I've dwelled on it enough for me to think my hatred is pure. Sham. Sham. Sham. Try to act tough, Dana… don't let the other's know. Fooled myself for a while…
Relationships will not work for me any time soon. Lord knows I've gotten excited with the thought of new faces, places and ideas… but they are all cut short and hearts were broken. As much as I've hoped and prayed to be over this mess, I just cant seem to get him out of my mind. We've been “apart” forever, but seeing him for even just those moments it seemed like we were never apart. Same routine, same laughs… same mannerisms. I just cant stop loving him.
Its torture. The worst torture. I think about him constantly and he's haunting my dreams. Perhaps I sit alone too often. Perhaps subconsciously I think I deserve this kind of punishment. Me? A Masochist?
I understand that we both need to move on (he's doing far better than I am) but I do still need him in my life. He promised me that he's always be there. It just seems that when I need to hear his voice the most, he avoids. “Moving on”… fuck… its a part of life. Why do I think I deserve any special treatment??? Dammit. He's my best friend. When he left it seemed like the greater part of myself left along with him. I wouldn't feel as alone if I would just be acknowledged every once and a while.
Sure, I could do better… but I don't think anyone could make me feel as whole. Even at our worst, I knew my other half would always be a room away… I don't think I could ever find that again… and if I did, it still wouldn't be “him”.
I'm working so hard to make my life better and with every major decision I want to turn to him for his input. He's never there. Why do I fight so hard for his acceptance? I need to get over the fact that I'm wasn't good enough for him. I failed him and I failed as a person. He would have stayed if it were otherwise. I wish I could just give up.
I shouldn't still have to cry about this but the emptiness is depressing.
MySpace Muslim/Holocaust Bulletins
May 10, 2007
I've been seeing a lot of people posting bulletins entitled “Fuck the Muslims” and so on…
What I'd like for you to remember is that most the shit you read through these bulletins are just bullshit propaganda started by some illiterate/uneducated asshole with far too much time on their hands..
Do not blame an entire culture for what ONE history department has done!
Just please start checking your facts before you spread more ignorance and hate across the net.
Here's the TRUTH!!
I'm NOT supporting the terrorists, the Muslims, the Catholics, the Jews, or the West Coast Coalition of Circus Clowns (WC4) – I'M SUPPORTING THE TRUTH!
I'm just stating the fact that titles such as “fuck Muslims” “death to Allah” and shit like that are just completely inappropriate! And I'm sick of seeing things spread across the net that aren't entirely true.
Shit – perhaps a more appropriate title for that garbage would be “FUCK THE UK!!” because from what the bulletin states, it was them and not the Muslims taking the history of the Holocaust out of the books.
Its sad that I feel I must further clarify that I, personally, am not saying “Fuck the UK” because I know I'll get even more hate mail. Read between the lines and maybe a bit further outside the box!
I'd almost rather read another bulletin about puppies, angels, or how horny Dan Rather makes you.
In Conclusion ::
1. Again, I am not supporting the Muslims or the fact that they don’t believe in the Holocaust. I wish you all would read further into my argument.
2. The first amendment may grant you freedom of speech and religion – but it does not support the spread of lies and half-truths. Remember – when you assume, it makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me”.
3. By posting such things, it perpetuates the same kind of hate that STARTED THE HOLOCAUST!!
4. Don’t be that person. Please.
Thanks again.
Dana
the new
January 23, 2007
My goal was to come to MySpace and LiveJournal and post entries about all my journeys out here on tour. But now that I've come across a computer, I've finally realized that I cant sit here anymore and attempt to glamorize the person I thought I would become. Perhaps my feelings are a bit immature.
I never really explained my reasons for joining the Disney On Ice tour. As much as I hate to admit it, I joined because I was running scared. I screwed up every good opportunity I had to make myself good because of my — fuck, i cant even come up with a decent adjective – desire to become something great. Thing is, I am a loser. After all the chances I was given in life… I'm still sitting here hating the fact that I've pissed them all away. I was hoping that I would find myself again here on the road… learn to get past all the hatred I have grown upon myself… to be me again. But now that I'm into my third week here on tour… its not the homesickness that gets to me… its the realization that this was just my “easy way out”. As great as the times I've had here, I still wake up every day looking in the mirror and despising the person I have let myself become.
I purposely shut myself out from anything that can be positive in my life because I have a horrible fear of committing to any of it. I dont trust my own mind and its scaring the hell out of me. I know I'm nothing to brag about… but I have this tendency to talk about my past like I was still that person. It just hurts so badly when I come to realize that I am no longer that girl… the one everyone respected… now I'm the one they all pity for.
The only time I feel alive is when I'm dancing. That is the only time I feel like a woman… respected and beautiful. I've always taken pride in the way I move. I dance alone. There is no bumping and grinding… just a spiritual movement between myself and the beat. Tonight was the first time I've felt that in what seems like an eternity. I felt so beautiful. I just love the way my body feels… to slide and touch… I could do it for hours. That is me. Sure – I am scared and all alone… but I do have that one genuine thing left in me.
Looking in the mirror is the hardest thing. I've done myself so wrong. Things that can never be reversed. One day I'll have to come to terms… but I'm not mentally capable of it just yet. I guess I'll just follow everyone else's creed and just say “be who you be”. ((wait, that might just be a southern thing))
I feel horrible about the people I've left behind. I cant help but feel guilty for leaving them behind. I have to do this though. Its good for me. I just hope they can understand why I left the way I did. There wasn't much for me to give up there. I need to make good… no matter what the trials.
I keep thinking about how I should have stayed in college and how much I have disappointed my family. I had such a good thing going, but I blew it all away to be the “girl about town”. I'm selfish… almost dirty. I honestly dont deserve to know the majority of you.
Wish me luck out here… maybe I'll come back halfway sane.
In roughly one hour, I will be unplugging my external hard drive, winding cords, and closing my laptop for the final time in the 48059 zip code. I’ve given up on searching for a future here in the Port Huron area and decided to take a chance on tour with Disney On Ice. I will be traveling week to week, city to city, one large and unruly arena to another… selling goodies to even more unruly children and their aggravated parents. I’m pretty excited, but my nerves have made me quite nauseous today. I’ve been having minor panic attacks on and off and I’ve been taking breaks from packing all day.
I know I haven’t had the chance to say goodbye to everyone, but I’ll let you know that you’ll all be missed (in one way or another). I want to thank all my friends who came out Friday evening to wish me a warm goodbye… well, perhaps it was the alcohol that made it feel warm… but it was a “goodbye” either way.
If I have anything of yours, you’re screwed until I get home in May because I’m stepping onto a Greyhound bus headed for Cleveland early tomorrow morning. Sorry.
Take care guys. I’ll try to keep you updated on all my future adventures via MySpace, LiveJournal and YouTube.
xoxoxo
Dana
pinstripes and coors light
June 19, 2006
pic taken outside Underground Atlanta
“The summer is here at last
The sky is overcast
And no one brings a rose for EmilyShe watches her flowers grow
While lovers come and go
To give each other roses from her tree
But not a rose for Emily…Emily, can’t you see
There’s nothing you can do?
There’s loving everywhere
But none for you…Her roses are fading now
She keeps her pride somehow
That’s all she has protecting her from painAnd as the years go by
She will grow old and die
The roses in her garden fade away
Not one left for her grave
Not a rose for Emily…”—Zombies “A Rose For Emily”
Hey Look… Its Me….
The events of the past three weeks have led up to me fleeing Michigan for a nicer and more comfortable climate. I left last Monday morning for Atlanta, Georgia. Once again stress, lack of a physical relationship and family have pushed me over the line.
As much as I believed leaving the state would help me overcome my hardships… or at least numb the pain for a short period of time, I’ve actually stressed myself a bit further. The heat and humidity made me a bit ill, I missed my dog, and I had a panic attack in the aquarium. I’m not sure if it was the thousands of children pushing me around, the lighting, or the hangover… but at one time I was about to shout “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME” at the top of my voice. I don’t think that would have gone over too well with the counselors and soccer moms. Is anxiety going to by my new thing? I sure hope not.
I was able to meet a few really great people, and a few others that made me feel sorry for the people waiting for them back at home. Its disgusting the lives that some of these businessmen lead. I stayed in the beautiful Embassy Suites where there is a free breakfast and managers reception (fancy way of saying free drinks) every day. The hotel is filled with nothing but pharmaceutical reps, stock brokers, and raw rubber tycoons. Almost every one of them had a ring on their finger and stories about the amazing lives and families they left back at home… yet after the third of fourth drink, they were all a little too eager to share their stories of sexual exploration while on the road… a few of which actually propositioned me to join in on such adventures.
Its not all the men, either. Women are almost just as disgusting, if not more. I witnessed a few get trashy drunk and even make up stories about how they were going to get divorced. I’ve come to the conclusion tha women are much easier to pick up in a hotel bar than broads in the sleaziest of clubs. They are a different kind of “lonely”… and once you mix alcohol in to the equation, even the most modest of women drop a few morals.
So is it really not cheating if you’re in a different zip code?
I’m on the plane now on the way back into Detroit. All I miss there is my dog. Luckily, I’m turning right back around and leaving for Chicago after the NIN concert. Like I said, the farther I am from where I was, the better.
I want to be a “team” again. Too bad I’m always being picked last.
((Update)) On a happier note, my big sister finally reached my family. I talked to her for the very first time on the phone last night. She is lovely. We’re planning a reunion soon!
“Effin” madness
May 23, 2006
sometimes I think I drink too much for my own good
-Dana Braun
At the close of my evening, I actually took the time to diligently type this entry on my cell phone and mail to myself so I would be able to post it today. What was I thinking???
“At what point do you realize that the money you put in the jukebox will never match the worth of the harmonies that you want to achieve in real life. There are times that you’ll hear something too beautiful that your only choice would be to take it for granted. At this very point, I am sensing the difference between fiction and non. The touch of the right chord and the correct verse – its made me alive. Even for this moment… this moment in time… here – after wine and cocktails – HERE I AM. Music – fuck you for saying it doesn’t do it. I am more alive with each coming line and every awaited sound. Give me a friend and an acoustic, and there I am.
Sometimes I have to wonder… are you that girl on the second story loving life for all that it is… or are you just another soul… another breath … that has yet to be discovered. who are you to really be worthy of what you have just witnessed. why is it that the lost ones … have that chance… that “one moment” to find the person deep inside that might just be… fucking real. why do you shut it away. god help all of us. when will we finally have our chance to fly? what keeps us so locked up inside ourselves… when we know that somewhere… deep inside…we were born with wings so powerful that would put most to their knees. i believe that at one time we will overcome and finally learn that we are worthy of a love that only the best of childhood stories might be allowed to tell. i think that at one time we will all be “happily ever after.”
… and this, children, is why people should not be allowed to type on a QWERTY keyboard at three in the morning while barely being able to spell “sober”. Insert aspirin… now.
Thank you. Thank you.
No pictures please.
VIDEO – Doctor Tran
elephant eyelash
May 15, 2006
“when we’re on different sides of the globe
i thought we’d keep our veins tangled
like a pair of mic cables,
and if there ain’t enough slack to reach
that we’d solder them together
and across oceans they’d stretch.
our faces reflected in seperate windshields
and all our body hair pricked up
an elephant eyelash.
should we be tempted by thief or by saint
it seems i leave you and you stay
to crowd the cage and curse.
but don’t regret the done dirt,
there is no life plan set,
you just swallow the cold
and follow your breath until death
now even if the will to sleep persists
i can’t, ’cause a harsh cloth grazes my blisters.…
today i fell asleep in a bath of hair.
hair that once sprouted from my own
white wet chalk follicles.
i swallow a coal
and follow my breath
and i did it with the grapefruit soap
thinking of you.
bathed, shaved, and oiled,
your legs are two skinny dolphins swimming
between the mattress and the layers of bedding
turning in your drug dry sleep.
when i ask you to kiss my pulse
you offer to start the shower.
i want a verb and you give me a noun.
what do you dream up while i tongue you down.”-Excerpts from : Why? “Gemini (Birthday Song)”
Here I go again… another idea, another chance to fail. No men. No men at all. I need to start doing things for me… not them. I’m the one that deserves to smile for a change. I’m going to be something by the end of the summer months. I hope to hell that I get back on my feet because I fear that I am getting too old to bounce back the way I really want to… and the longer I wait, the deeper the hole is dug.
Interesting conversation and interesting times the past few days. Its refreshing to find some intelligence… a chance to look outside the freakin’ box. Inside I jump for joy, but I’m still holding things back. When will I be outside the box? Perhaps I’ll just macramé my box with pictures of pin-ups and puppies to make my stay a bit more comfortable.
Today I blew my first dandelion and made a wish… the same wish I’ve made for years every time I look up at the sky and pick out a star. Its actually funny to think that each time I wish, its the same damn thing… and for some reason, I feel that these personal traditions might actually effect me one day if I believe in it enough. Well, I know its never going to happen… but every time I do wish (even in the most childish manner) it makes me smile. “Hope” is what keeps me going.
VIDEO – Stupid Pot Smoker
this one’s for you, Gusto
i’m not worthless you know…
May 3, 2006
ap·pre·ci·a·tion
n.
1. Recognition of the quality, value, significance, or magnitude of people and things.
2. A judgment or opinion, especially a favorable one.
3. An expression of gratitude.
4. Awareness or delicate perception, especially of aesthetic qualities or values.
5. A rise in value or price, especially over time.
Time after time I’ve done favors for people without blinking or asking for anything in return. In fact, I almost enjoy it… a little too much. Its such a heartbreaking pain when you’ve bent over backwards for one person in particular over and over and over again and the only thing you get in return is a kick in the face.
Its not particularly the money I want – or even need – right now… perhaps what is angering me so much at this point in time is that I am not getting the recognition I believe my kind acts deserve. How dare someone tell you how much they love you and cry by your side and then turn around the next minute and make you feel like your feelings are of lesser value than a street bike. When did I become so unimportant?? Perhaps I always was. I hate to be a bitch about the entire situation, but at this point, I feel that my kindness and my love has been taken for granted… yet again. I’ll never learn.
You really know how to make me feel loved. Congratulations on passing your test… too bad you’re failing at life.
VIDEO – Jesus the Musical
looking around…
April 21, 2006
All this time I've complained about how people dont take me seriously and how I cant be loved the way I need to be… always blaming the other person. At what fucking time was I going to look in the mirror and realize that its me that is unattractive and fucked up? When was I finally going to kick myself in the ass and realize that the real problem is me. Who in the right mind would EVER want to engage in any type of relationship with a girl this screwed… this disillusioned. All this time I've thought that (for the most part) I was wanted… that I was a desirable person.
Ha! I now realize the joke I have become. I dont blame anyone anymore. In fact, I applaud you all for putting up with me for this long. I appreciate your sympathy/humor… just next time, tell me. Let me fucking know that I'm a fuck up. Let me know I'm not worth what I thought. Tell me that I am not “that girl”. Let me know my faults… even though I claimed to have known them all.
This kick in the face was more than I ever expected. I've expected that it would one day come, but I never thought that it would hurt this fucking badly. For once I saw something positive in my life… something that I was beginning to accept to be different and actually (for fuck's sake – about time) good for me. Too bad I'm just not good enough. Guess I deserve some reality once in a while… I guess now I just have to realize that the mirror will never talk back.
Merry D’Ster….
April 16, 2006
Originally Aired April 16, 2006
Thumbs-Up Jesus by Dana Braun (food coloring on egg shell)
When I die, I want the day to be remembered as D’Ster. This holiday will be much greater that Easter, because it will be the celebration of the end of the great continuous hangover of the century.
Instead of chocolate chicken fetus, the masses will enjoy D’Ster baskets full of Jack Daniels, menthol cigarettes, coupons for free car washes, 9Volt batteries, and something poisonous for the kiddies.
Oh – and screw your usual egg hunt! All the small children will be gathered into a large group, blindfolded, and chased around by rabid, half naked circus midgets (you can insert a miget into any situation and make it funny)… last one standing wins… a kick in the face.
Have a happy holiday!!
everyone must fight the battle… just hopefully not alone
April 16, 2006
I hate that you don't know what you are capable of and that you underestimate your worth.
-My Mother 04.11.06
How does it feel to be looked at as a “hero” to people? I'll tell you, its scary. I dont know if I should be sorry for them or even sorrier for myself for not being able to live up to their expectations. Perhaps I should be sorry for not allowing myself to open up and show who I really am or how I truly feel inside… but then again, its just me running scared yet again.
I guess I am afraid of pity. In all truth, I dont deserve pity. I've dug my own grave more times than I'd like to count. I just with that one day I will have the strength to start filling them in… but hope really doesn't seem to be taking care of it. All I have right now is hope. Hope that one day I'll truly be happy in life, in love, and with myself.
Isn't pity somehow connected with this journal? I come here from time to time and read back over my entries. I scrutinize everything about myself in the past few years – the pain, the triumphs… not sure if I do it just to torture myself or just to remind myself who I was and when. I guess honesty is as good as I can get… and it seems that I am more real in these pages than I have ever been.
You want honesty? Sure, you'd think so… but the truth is something I dont even want to acknowledge most of the time. Thing is, I'm an over-emotional person. Over the past few years, I've found that I cry more often… I think it is almost unhealthy the way my emotions rollercoaster. I can be sitting alone or in a room of people completely content, and the next thing I know, I'm bawling my eyes out. I cant think of anything that would trigger the sadness, but it just comes.
I'm so unhappy with where I'm at and who I have become that I've shut myself away from as much reality as I possibly can. I live in a fantasy land… honestly, fantasies are all I try to know. You want the truth, eh? Here you go. I talk to myself. I talk to myself all the time. People always ask me why I pace so much. I walk around my house for hours imagining my life the way I would like it. Mini scenarios – people, events… I imagine the things that would make me happy… a first touch, a first meeting, dancing (yeah, I even imagine myself dancing)… I live out all the best in my head… sometimes I even fool myself into thinking they are real. Nothing more than delusions, I think. But I can do this for hours. I look in the mirror over 50 times a day. Its not in any way for vanity, but I stare into my eyes and wish… ask myself why… sometimes I think I'm crazy.
((twice during the writing of the last paragraph, I stood up to pace))
Funny thing is… I dont think anyone cares. But in the same way, I keep reminding myself that I am not their problem. Its just sometimes I wish someone would act like they really gave a damn about how the real Dana is… not Digi… Dana. I dont think anyone could ever help me, but to know someone is there for me would mean the world. Guess it all stems back to the man I love(d)… loved with all my heart and soul… he never once asked me how I felt… not at any time… like he didn't care about the important parts of me. I was just there… guess I made it that way… always accessible… until I gave up… I gave up but never let go.
Fuck.
Truth. I'm lonely and amazingly scared. I'm not who you think I am… I'm more. I would kill at times to be held… to have someone say they cared and mean it… to find the thing that I love… to become “me”.
Sidenote – new appreciation for Cowboys and Cubans.
knit hats for all… heartbreak for one.
October 21, 2005
Sometimes you just have to lay certain things down to rest, say your peace, and let them go. I just wish I was more able to do so. I hold on to hope so tightly that I exhaust myself over and over again trying to pick of the pieces. I've always ran back to what I felt was safe and walked away shortly after knowing that the haven has changed. I dont think its my fault… besides my apparent weaknesses. I just pray that I dont allow myself to get used to being treated like I'm second best… like there's someone always waiting in the wing… someone who I am always being judged against. I know that deep inside I am a good person, a caring person, a loving person. I think that I should be good enough… just me.
I cant except being lied to. I just dont deserve it. I am a catch. I'm more than a catch. I know that all sounds really vain, but I know how to love. Thing is, I just dont think that the person I have found to love me back shares that capacity. “Love” is not a word you throw around, especially to me. I know that I overreact a lot. I've said a lot of things out of anger, but when you hurt so badly, sometimes you cant help the things that roll off your tongue.
I deserve love, truth, compassion, fun and games. It would be so much better if I could find someone that genuinely deserves those things in return, but in the same manner, thanks god that he has captured the heart of a woman named Dana.
What I really, really wish is for the deserving man to be the one person I would ever ask that from. I'll save my pennies for another well.
Go ahead and say it. You told me so.
toast and sideways smiles…
October 18, 2005
In what concerns you much, do not think that you have companions: know that you are alone in the world.
Henry David Thoreau (1817 – 1862)
Its sad when the only comfort you get out of life is when your dog is the only one to look you in the eye like everything will be ok.
I am surrounded by many people… people that always act so pleased to be around me. But what I am looking for are true companions. Friends may come and go, but what I need is stability. I want someone that actually cares to ask me how I’m feeling and actually care enough to listen. I’ve put on a lot of acts over the years, a lot that I am ashamed of, but what I’m searching for now is truth in my life. I want to do better by me and the people I love, and the ones I hope love me back.
I’m really scared of where I’m at in my life. Ever since I was little, I had dreams of great accomplishment. By the way I was going, no one would have ever doubted me. But now I feel so lost, and I think that everyone is seeing through all my fronts. I am… I’m scared. I had far too much going for me a few years back and I let it all slip through my fingers. I think I have ignored my gifts for so long that it would be near impossible to get them back. People used to be proud of me and now I feel like no more than an embarrassment that they are forced to put up with out of duty.
My mind is slipping. My memory has been fading – short and long term. My heart, my weight, my emotions… I’m afraid of what the future holds for my health.
God. I’ve had so many chances to make good of my life, but I’m still here. This rut is killing me. I would give life and limb for the inspiration to find the girl I’ve tucked deep inside, break her free, and take over the world… my way.
dead movie star who would give anything to live like a queen…
September 29, 2005
“I’ve always considered writing the most hateful kind of work. I suspect it’s a bit like fucking, which is only fun for amateurs. Old whores don’t do much giggling.”
– Hunter S. Thompson
I came home yesterday from a six day fieldtrip. Sometimes I just dont like to be home… I just run away. I think the only reason I returned was because I missed my dog… and he acted like he didn’t know me when I walked in the door. I dont understand what I am constantly running from. I have a fear of commitment to everything – school, jobs, relationships, hair colors. Last night I had a dream that I was a camel in a school play and my only line was “Two Humps For All!!” … and everyone cheered.
For years I used to think that I had hundreds of friends, but with age I am realizing that the majority of those people are just aquaintances and leaches. I have a handful of people that I would actually consider my “friends”… the kind of people that hug me and say “I love you” every time we part. The kind of people that aren’t afraid to dress up as the HULKSTER. Read the rest of this entry »
they used to call me Dolly Girl…
September 16, 2005
Just after I moved back in with my parents, my grandfather moved in as well. He lived in Oscoda until he was diagnosed with rectal cancer. Not only does he have cancer, but his breathing is challenged from smoking so he is on a breathing machine from time to time. He underwent chemo to shrink the tumor, therefore decreasing the length he’d be under the knife. They gave him a 50/50 chance to make it through the operation on Thursday. He only made it though the first operation because they realized that all of his abdominal organs were spotted with cancer. There wasn’t enough healthy tissue to do anything for him, so they closed him back up and put him in ICU.
Today I went to visit him. He seemed barely conscious. His breathing was very strong but shallow and there was blood coming from his catheter. The only time he opened his eyes was when my mother tapped him on the arm to let him know that I was there. It was really no more than a flutter, I dont even know if he saw me. Shortly after, he went into a fit and tried to pull himself out of the bed. The nurse sedated him.
I was so upset after seeing him that I got sick to my stomach and my mother held me as I cried. Its hard to see a man that I’ve always known to be strong so vulnurable like this. Knowing that there might only be days left. Knowing that you never really had the chance to sit down and say your last goodbye. I was always too scared of it… ignored it.
My mother had arranged for a hospital bed to be delivered here and a nurse to help care for him, but just after arriving home, we received a call from the hospital informing us that he has gotten worse and might not make it though the night. My mom is on the phone making arrangements for his plot.
I guess it would be better for him to pass there while sedated then to live here grounded to the back room watching The Price Is Right waiting for death to take him. He doesn’t even know about the rest of the cancer… but I’m sure he’ll be much happier when he meets with my grandmother in the afterlife.
… and to think he was just praising me on my pierogies just a few days back. I’m going to miss him.
jack in the box goes “pop”
September 7, 2005
sometimes romance can be one of the simplest and most natural things of all
Sam: you don’t like raisins?
Joon: not really
Sam: why?
Joon: they used to be fat and juicy and now they’re twisted like they had their life stolen. They taste sweet but really they are just humiliated grapes. I cant say I’m a big supporter of the raisin council.
Sam: did you see those raisins on TV? The ones that sing and dance and stuff
Joon: they scare me
Sam: yeah me too
Joon; its sick, commercial people make them sing and dance so people will eat them
Sam: it’s a shame about raisins
Joon: cannibals
Sam; yeah. Do you like avocadoes?
Joon: they’re a fruit you know.
Sam: Ruthie, do you got any avocadoes?
VIDEO – Oslo Gay Festival
someone smack me before I eat my face
September 5, 2005
I’m in one of those moods today where I really dont give a damn. I am sick and tired of CNN, this parrot, evil glares, and my life in general. I don’t think anyone understands how had it is for me to get a good night’s sleep. For some reason, people think its ok to open my door and throw my dog on me knowing damn well that Jesus will just wake me up again in an hour to be let out. Its really not Jesus or my family that is the problem… I really shouldn’t point fingers. I’m just so damn frustrated with constantly feeling drained. I think my brain works faster than I acknowledge. I think I ignore most of the input/output unless it involves something in the immediate present. People have pointed out that I am over stressing myself by ignoring my stress. Funny, eh?
What I really need to do this week is get my shit together. I have to find away to get “this car”, come across some money, and start packing. I think it might just be this house that is getting me down and not so much the town. I feel unaccomplished, alone… unworthy. A new start will do me good. I need to be around more people that will inspire me… real people. I need to have a real life instead of living in this make believe land instead of tricking myself into thinking that everything is ok. I’m repeating myself. Sorry.
I’m starting to look old. I know… I look 15… but 15 with wrinkles and bags isn’t exactly the effect I was going for. I’ve been eating better and trying to see more sunlight, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. I have also cut down on my drinking substantially. Back when I was severely depressed, I hit up the bar at least four times a week and drinking binges would last for days. I tricked myself into believing that it was just my “lifestyle”… the person I am… “party, party Dana”. I’m sick of that girl. I’m sick of being the girl that everyone says they know but have no clue. I want to be known as more than just a drinking buddy. I want to be taken seriously. I want to dance… but that has nothing to do with it.
Does anyone really notice how sad I am? Am I the only one who sees this?
the breakdown of “laying in bed with charlie”
August 31, 2005
One thing that a lot of people ask me about is my kidnappings. Let me explain – I have never really dated… I’ve always jumped from one long term relationship to another. When Paul and I split up, my mother recommended that I date casually… see what else there is outside of Port Huron. I wasn’t exactly ready to date, but I was willing to meet new people and see some new things.
I’m not really into the traditional, so I decided to publish an online kidnap application. People online would fill out the applications and my mother and I would screen through them to find the most decent candidates. Once I got to know them better through email and phone conversation, I gave them the “ok” to kidnap me.
The rules were simple – they must fill out an application – they must understand they they will be fully responsible for me – and there WOULD NOT under any circumstances be any tom-foolery. I’m a lady god dammit! They were also allowed to take me for as long as they wanted… no kidnapping lasted over 8 days (guess thats when I start to get annoying).
I had the best year of my life with these people… they have shown me more about art, music, and culture in one year then I was able to bring in in the past 4 1/2.
The goal is to write a book entitled “Laying In Bed With Charlie” about all the random and off-the-wall things I have over the past ten years. If I ever do get around to it, I’ll let you know.
Here’s the list:
Jason – Warren, MI
I met Jason at his home before we went out for dinner and drinks all over Royal Oak. He didn’t mention to me that he was allergic to smoke and alcohol; it made for a very interesting night. I got along with the bartender much more than I did with him. In the end, he shook my hand and said “it was very nice meeting you.” I always make the best first impressions.
Tim – Hamtramck, MI
R.I.P.
Tim is very special to me. I believe whole heartedly that Tim is one of the best men I have ever met. I wish I would have had more time to get to know him. He was killed in an accident just three weeks after our outting. We had an amazing time. We first went to the Magic Stick to visit Jeff and get some drinks, then we went on to the Bronx for more drinks and discussions about music. We stayed up and drank aged whiskey and watched episodes of Mr. Show while my girlfriend danced (and attempted to strip) in the dining room. We both fought sleep for hours, but passed out together on opposite ends of the sofa at around 10am to the hum of some sci-fi movie. I would give anything to see you again. Minestrone soup is for assholes.
Tim – St. Clair, MI
Tim and I used to promote for Karmalogical a few years back but never met. I spent a day with him at his home watching movies… his brother got me addicted to THERE.
Neil – St. Clair Shores, MI
Neil is the lead singer of Downtown Brown. I would have to say that he is hands-down the funniest man I have ever met. The first time I met him wasn’t a kidnapping; I met him at a bar in Mount Clemens where he was playing a show. The next time we went out, I went on a short tour with them to Lansing and then Chicago. I booked his band for my birthday and he wrote a special song about how I like to have sex with donkeys. It doesn’t get any better then Neil.
Mike – Detroit, MI
Mike and I went to GreekTown for dinner and the Bronx for drinks. The rest of the night was full of laughter… bouncing on the bed and games of truth or dare ran well into morning. The next day, we went to lunch and Belle Isle. I’ve mentioned this kidnapping earlier in this journal. I’ve seen Mike only one time since then – at the Movement Festival.
Mike – Auburn Hills, MI
What is there to say about Mike? Ha. We started out at the Raven for coffee and dinner. Afterwards, we had a few cocktails at Martini Joes, hit up the Chuck E. Cheese, Garfields, the Roche, Quay Street Brewery, Military Street… god, we were a little buzzed. The bars closed and we drove about a half hour to a small town called Capac for the lamest party I have ever been to. I think he saw me pee behind a truck… I’m not sure. We turned back around and headed to my friends house where they threw firecrackers at him. Sometimes it isn’t a good thing to be a stranger around my close friends when they are drunk. … shit, and now I’m moving in with him. You’re a good sport, Mike… good sport.
DJ Mike Ill – Shelby Township, MI
Mike was a spur of the moment outting. I met him at a Meijers in Shelby and drove with him to Novi to a bar that he dj’s at. At first I was a little shy (dont know why), but soon enough I was up in the dj booth cheering kids on, taking requests, and giving dance lessons out on the floor. I haven’t seen Mike since, but we are planning on hanging out sometime before the end of fall.
Mark Will – Port Huron, MI
Mark is a DJ and program director for 91.3FM. The first time Mark and I went out, I believe we got a little more than drunk… far beyond drunk. We caught a Twisted Tarantulas show at Rumrunnerz and drank quite a bit more at his home afterwards. I spent the rest of the evening reading my journal out loud to him and arguing that we didn’t exist (he stopped me before I drew the diagrams). Mark and I still see each other quite often. He is a dear, dear friend.
Mark Teich – New York, NY/Los Angeles, CA
Mark is a comedian out of California, but he was born here in Michigan. Most of you might know him from the Live At The El Ray dvd, or as the fly in the Bacardi commercial. I spent a week with Mark in California. His apartment was on the top of the mountain and I had an amazing view of the Hollywood sign right outside my bedroom window. We hit up a fair share of bars and restaurants, but what I loved most was the Hollywood Improv and the Dead Kennedys show we caught at the House of Blues.
Mark Teich Comedy Reel
Mark with Stephen Lynch – “She Gotta Smile”
Mark’s New Netscape Commercial
Josh Camp – Flint, MI
Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh is Modlife… one hell of a dj and producer. This was definitely one of the most memorable kidnappings I have ever had. I met him for dinner at Lucky’s Steakhouse in Imlay City. After dinner, we drove to the local cinema to catch a flick, but then decided we’d have a better chance of fun out in Flint. We hit up a bar, the liquor store, and then the Flint Deja Vu (this was a classy night). We sat in the parking lot and got pretty lit before we went in… you cant be sober at the titty bar, its a sin. We stayed inside long enough to have Cinnamon and Tauney all over us. Great thing was, Josh locked his keys in the van! It took an hour just for the manager and some drunk to get us back in… it was hysterical! We went to two other Flint bars, one upperscale metrosexual hangout and one acoustic rock hippy hidaway. At first we were going back to Imlay City to drop me at my car, but then we decided to camp out at a rest stop. If you’ve never done this, I highly recommend it!!
Josh and I ended up dating for a month or so. He’s moving out of state soon, and I plan on seeing him before he’s out.
Joseph – Detroit, MI
Joe (Grip) is one of the front men for Detroit Crunkstar. Joe kidnapped me from the produce department in a Royal Oak grocery store. We went to Sevin to catch a performance by Midtown Underground and a few bars after that. We ended up back at his place and I argued with one of his roomies about how Detroit has more of a musical pull then Ohio (I won). The next day, we went to Big Boy and were served by one of the wives from Wife Swap. Interesting night. Joe came up with his band and played at my birthday party, as well. They had a great reaction from the town. I’m planning on bringing them back up for an encore performance.
Evan – the Valley, CA
One of my days in California, Mark had a few auditions and would be gone from the apartment most of the day. I decided to go online and find local Cali kids to pick me up. I actually met Evan on Webdate a month earlier and he was more than happy to drive up from the valley into and the mountains to pick me up. The bar we initially planned on going to was a flop, so we decided to grab a case of beer and head back to his place with his friend Wilmer to play some drinking games (I won). I was going to get dropped off the next morning, but we decided instead to drive to Santa Monica. The drive out there was beautiful… I’m glad I got to see the ocean before I left for home. We spent the day and night out there… and if we weren’t so damn drunk, we would have been in Vegas a few hours later. Instead, we passed out and he brought me back to Mark’s the next morning.
DJ Dino – Royal Oak, MI
Dino is a jungle dj originally from Wisconsin. I met Dino at his home in Ann Arbor, and we hit up the Blind Pig for a Ghostly Intl. show featuring Solvent. We spent the majority of the night dancing and fell asleep shortly after coming home. Dino is still spinning jungle mixes on internet feed, but is best known for his live shows out in Wisconsin. Here are a few of his mixes:
Dino – Live at Bangers Lounge
Dino – Freakin”
Dino – Mississippi Mix
Dino – Hardcore for Y’All
Craiggy – Livonia, MI
Craig is an insane music fanatic. We met for a few drinks at Military Street and sang some karaoke… well, he sang and I danced. We are meeting up again soon for round two.
Casey – Minneapolis, MN
I can fill up pages with little notes about Casey. Casey is a badass techno dj in Minnesota, you’ll see him a lot out at Mells, but he’s going to be out in California for quite a bit these upcoming weeks. I met Casey by chance through MySpace and we hit it off immediately. We were each other’s drunk dials for about two months and met up at the Movement Festival this year. He is one of the best men I’ve met online and I’m glad to say that we still keep in touch.
DJ Benny Ben – Royal Oak, MI
Benny introduced himself to me at a DJ Jazzy Jeff show at the Magic Stick this past winter. He asked me to come down to the Detroit Brewing Co. to dance for his hip hop shows. I never really had the chance to make it down. We ended up finding each other a few weeks later and he still remembered me as the dancing broad. He came up to see me for my birthday and he was also up here last Thursday for dinner and drinks.
Thats that… the list. I’m proud to say that I am still good friends with all these guys and we keep in touch to this day. I’m still single, but I can at least say that I’ve met some of the best people ever.
dee dee dee awards
August 24, 2005
“The honest man must be a perpetual renegade, the life of an honest man a perpetual infidelity. For the man who wishes to remain faithful must take himself perpetually unfaithful to all the continual, successive, indefatigable, renascent errors.”
-Charles Peguy
I hang my head in shame sometimes to see the person you have become. You’re skin in yellow and your eyes are bloodshot. Worse, you’re full of more deceit than any monster I have ever met and you dont care to acknowlege it even when it is thrown in your face. I cannot be your wall anymore, your strength, that person that you think will always be there, when I see the way you treat people. I cant trust someone when they use the people around them. Lying to someone you so easily say you love is disgusting. I dont care anymore about us… I do, however, care about what you do to other people… because I wish so much for you to be better.
I know that you can be good, I’ve seen it. You take too many people for granted… living in this sick fantasy. You shouldn’t hurt what you have now, because they will not be there for long. Please dont think you have this under control, because you are hurting more than one person. Look what happened last time.
Hallelujah for being single. Its hard to trust someone with your heart nowadays. MTV has been training our youth to be pimps and hoes. What ever happened to role models… committed relationships, family, morals. I’m sick of all the booty shaking, bling, rides, half naked bitches (ok, I can handle those)… but stop corrupting minds. I dont condone cheating and lying. I wont stand for it… especially from my friends.
Moral : Grow the hell up. Please.
VIDEO – Written Communication Skills
this couldn’t be more true… a quick flick by ZeFrank
raindrops on the pond…
August 23, 2005
Good Morning
I woke up at four this morning having the feeling that someone else was in bed with me. I turned to my left, towards the window, and saw a man under the comforter with me. I wasn’t scared, I was quite at peace with my new companion. I was actually hopeful that someone would wake up next to me and experience the beautiful view of the 1/4 acre pond outside my window, the same one I turn to every morning to help adjust my eyes. Well, my eyes adjusted, and it was just Jesus (my dog) snoring away on the pillow. Damn shadows threw me off again!
My dreams were a little off center last night – and I dedicate this to because I know how much he loves dream entries. Don’t worry, sweet hipster angel, I will take it really easy this time. In fact, if you have troubles even looking at it, direct your attention here.
The first set of dreams I had last night tied into many of the reoccurring dreams I have had. I checked into a high-end hotel to meet up with friends for a party that was supposed to happen in the lobby. Lets just say I ended up vandalizing the library (by switching around all the book cards), got chased by monster-cops, and ended up in a white water rafting race with a severely overweight 12-year-old guide who was much better at sinking the raft then guiding us away from the poles that shot out beside us marking the course. We won the race and were rewarded with two pounds of M&M candies.
Hotel – To see a hotel in your dream, signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking.
Party – To dream that you are at a party, suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself. If the party is bad, then it indicates that you are unsure of your social skills.
Vandal – To dream that you or someone commits a crime, represents feelings of guilt and shame. Your inner fears are hindering your growth and progress.
Chase – To dream that you are being chased, signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is often a metaphor for some form of insecurity. In particular, to dream that you are chased by an animal, represents your own unexpressed and unacknowledged anger which is being projected onto that animal. Alternatively, you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.
Water – To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. If the water is calm, clear, then it signifies that you are in tune with your spirituality. It denotes serenity, peace of mind, and rejuvenation. If you are splashed by water, then it represents your need to be revitalized and more expressive. To dream that water is boiling, suggests that you are expressing some emotional turmoil. It also may mean that feelings from your unconscious are surfacing and ready to be acknowledged.
Race – To dream that you are in a race, signifies that others are envious of your achievements and want it for themselves. If you win the race, then it denotes that you will overcome your competitors. Alternatively, this dream may also be an indication for you to slow down or take a different coarse in life. Often this dream can reveal your competitive nature and how you tend to measure yourself against others.
Candy – To see or eat candy in your dream, symbolizes the joys and special treats in life. It also represents indulgence, sensuality and/or forbidden pleasure.
The second set of dreams were farther off the rocker. I stood on a pier for hours waiting for something/anything to arrive. My brother walks up behind me and all I remember doing was yelling at him, almost screaming at him while he stood there blank faced until he disappeared. I walked down the pier, jumped on a bike, and rode through the same high-class residential neighborhood that appears in all my dreams. I heard of a woman that had passed and went to her home to console her family and help them make the final arrangements. Upon looking over her last requests, I see that she wanted to be buried with her dogs and her ant farm. This struck me as odd and made me think further about what my requests would be for when I passed. At this point, I notice that I was wearing a Red Wings hockey jersey (trust me, this is odd).
The next sequence of events is a little hazy, but I remember turning into a man, a hockey coach… and I was ok with it. I stood in front of about 11 eight-year-old boys on the ice and drilled them as to “why Steve Yzerman stripped all the pictures from the wall regarding the previous 10 years of NHL history“. As I went down the line, I pointed to each child with my stainless steel hockey stick waiting for an answer. I would sentence each of them to death if they failed by shoving them into a hole in the ice. The last child answered the question correctly (at least he had the answer that was in my head) by saying “so he could forget, sir“. I ran to to young boy and held him in my arms with pride. As I held him, I felt my grip weaken until I was no longer in my body, but my soul was pulled out from me and I was soon looking over my dead body while the boy ran out for help. I looked down at my peaceful body, pet my head, adjusted my jersey so I would look decent for the burial. Eh, some other things happened and my eyes rolled out of my head… but you get the gist.
Waiting – To dream that you are waiting, is indicative of issues of power/control and feelings of dependence/independence, especially in a relationship. Consider how you feel in the dream while you were waiting. Alternatively, it may denote your expectations and anxieties about some unknown situation or result. You are ready to take action.
Brother – To see your brother in your dream, may symbolize some aspect of your relationship with him. It can also serve to remind you that someone in your waking life has certain characteristics/behavior similar to your brother’s.
Yelling – To dream that you or someone is yelling, represents repressed anger that need to be expressed.
Pier – To see or dream that you are on a pier, represents self-reflection and an introspect into your unconscious. You are ready to explore and grow as an individual. The dream signal emotional and spiritual growth.
Bike – To dream that you are riding a bicycle, signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings.
Others Death – To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what do you like about him. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, it indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life. To be aware of a dead person you cannot identify portends an inheritance which may not be personal but could be indirectly beneficial.
Sports – To dream that you are playing a sport, signifies the learning of rules, talents, and the achieving of your goals. It also highlights the importance of cooperation, harmony, and teamwork. Alternatively, it represents your attitudes about sex as an aggressive act.
Changing Sex – For a woman, a dream of changing her sex predicts an unexpected honor or success in the family.
My Death – If you dreamed of being dead yourself, it indicates an approaching release from all your worries and/or a recovery from illness.
Look, Ma! I’m reveling in my own neurotic-ness! (yeah, I had to do it)
2 VIDEOS – Castle Grayskull and She-Ra
I remember having this as a child. He-Man and She-ra used to get it on…
immaculate conception
August 20, 2005
Look – he has my neck.
Our kid is cute – we named him Jamal. We have another child, Eugene, that we picked up at a Chuck E. Cheese a month ago, I’ll post his picture as soon as I get home. Its funny how easy it is to acquire a child at family fun establishments… although we were unable to bring sweet Eugene home because of Chuck E’s new child-theft deterrent system. Jamal was slightly more expensive – about $60 and enough drinks to kill a family of wombats compared to the 200 tickets we paid for Eugene.
The serial killer (see photo) is my new roommate. Its not like me to move in with a total stranger, but for some reason, it seems like a damn good idea. He has cats (Bruno is roughly 27lbs) and a cheap display of swords – should I be scared? I have a feeling that I will be hungover a lot. At least I’ll be in good company – Mike and TiVo.
I’m worthless. “You’re not worthless, Dana Braun” – Yeah I am.
VIDEO – Lotion
a good marriage begins with tears…
August 16, 2005
Bride Napping in Kyrgyzstan
Today I watched a documentary on the bride kidnappings of Kyrgyzstan, a central asian republic, on the Discovery Channel. Although bride kidnapping has been illegal since the soviet era, Kyrgyz men say they snatch women because it is easier than courtship and cheaper than paying the standard “bride price,” which can be as much as $800, plus a cow.
“Bride kidnapping” isn’t the abduction of married women, but the abduction of young unmarried women who are carried off to the family farm and forced to marry. Most of the time, these young women have never met their husband-to-be… their first meeting is usually full of screaming, fear, and tears. I watched as numerous women were taken from the streets or outside their schools and thrown into cars by total strangers.
The family of the groom restrain the girl and force her to wear the bridal headdress. Although she contests that she does not know him and plans to choose her own mate, the family assures her that once she learns to respect her new groom, a strong love will follow. Only one in 100 Kyrgyz girls marries her true love. After the kidnapping, you’ve no choice.
I get the question “what do you look for?” quite a bit. I never really stopped to think about what it is that I really look for in a partner – maybe that is why my relationships have failed. Since I do not plan on participating on an arranged marriage, I really should start taking things into consideration. Physical characteristics need not apply, but there are a few personality/lifestyle traits that I am looking for.
he must:
- intelligence comes first
(FYI – being intelligent is different from being “smart”)
- be eager to learn and experience more
- be his own person
- enjoy meeting new people
- want to travel/or currently travel
- be independent
- be able to keep a job
- have friends that I can get along with
- like to plan special events (for us)
- stay out of the court system
- treat me with respect
- want to make me feel special
- be a romantic, but not too soft or sensitive
- love all forms of music
- handle their liquor responsibly and with a good attitude
- keep promises
- be proud to be with me
- want to include me in things he does
- want to be included in things I do
- love to be around family and attend family functions
- get along with and respect my family
- appreciate me (very important!)
it would be nice if he:
- loves and understands Tommy the way I do
- plays an instrument – guitar and drums a plus
- is into computers/internet
- likes to travel to different clubs and events
- lives within 20 miles
- ok, if he is good looking
he MUST NOT:
- have more toys than most children
- hang on me, smother me or drastically change his life to appease me
- be violent or have a violent background
- use baby talk
- cheat, lie, or steal
- be a carrier of an incurable STD
I don’t think I’m asking too much… or is this man too perfect? Let me know.
VIDEO – Bride Kidnapping
and let the bass go…
August 15, 2005
“The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side.”
-Hunter S. Thompson
I listen to every genre of music under the sun except contemporary christian (yes, even polka)… and am constantly looking for new and interesting groups. Check out my playlist – I would love to do a file share through iTunes or LimeWire. Open my eyes to something new.
(let me just say, this playlist only represents that on this external hard drive. this does not include the files on any of my other computers or my extensive cd collection)
Rioting In Ruby
August 14, 2005
This weekend was the second installment of Ruby Fest. I camped this year with Freddy and Pat… as well as the 20+ other tents that were there. Even though metal isn’t my bag, I must say that this year’s bands were pretty solid. As always, Sincerely Severed and Smackmaddam put on a hell of a show; I am just pretty disappointed that the sound wasn’t up to par for International Terrorist Coalition’s performance – it was Freddy’s first time on stage with them.
We all managed to get pretty drunk. When you mix a hundred rockers with alcohol and heavy music, you’re bound to have a few mishaps – I was the cause of one of these. During one of the last performances Saturday night, I was standing at the stage and noticed one of the moshers strike an old woman in the head. I dont know whether of not it was on purpose, but I turned to him and mentioned that he should be more aware of who he was around while he threw his arms and legs around. He ignored me so I decided to follow him and repeat what I had said. Being careless again, he shoved me out of the way. I followed some more, this time angered that he shoved me and warned him to never “touch a woman like that”. I had to repeat myself a four more times – and after the forth time he turned to me and said “fuck you, skank!” Ding! Ding! We have a winner!!
All I did was walk over to my friends and explain to them what happened. I was not expecting it to get so physical. It was hard for me to see everything that happened because I am so short and everyone in the mob was so tall, so this is all from what they told me. He was thrown all around the field – that I saw… but he was also beat the hell down. I was told that he was hit so hard in the ear that it was gushing blood. I feel kind of bad. I really just wanted him to apologize to me and the lady he struck. The lady came up and hugged me for sticking up for her and was pleased with the result… it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Besides that, the rest of the weekend was amazing! I got to hang out with a lot of friends I haven’t seen or been allowed to see in ages. We reminisced about the good ol days and all the concerts and parties that we’ve been to. I needed this weekend, it was a nice way to wind down the summer.
VIDEO – C’Mon and Kypsky
Pictures From My 23rd Birthday
August 12, 2005
Elton John – Honky Cat
August 11, 2005
“When I look back boy I must have been green
Bopping in the country, fishing in a stream
Looking for an answer trying to find a sign
Until I saw your city lights honey I was blind
They said get back honky cat
Better get back to the woods
Well I quit those days and my redneck ways
And oh the change is gonna do me good
You better get back honky cat
Living in the city ain’t where it’s at
It’s like trying to find gold in a silver mine
It’s like trying to drink whiskey from a bottle of wine
Well I read some books and I read some magazines
About those high class ladies down in New Orleans
And all the folks back home well, said I was a fool
They said oh, believe in the Lord is the golden rule
They said stay at home boy, you gotta tend the farm
Living in the city boy, is going to break your heart
But how can you stay, when your heart says no
How can you stop when your feet say go”
Made me think a lot about my move to Auburn Hills. I feel good about this. Really, really good.
VIDEO – Injections Are Fun
Rules for “Ask Dana”
August 11, 2005
“Get your hand outta my face, you jive mutha fucka… and take your silly bitch with you.”
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Disclosure: This is intended for entertainment purposes only. The information and advice contained in or made available through “Ask Dana” (including, but not limited to, pictures, text files, or video files) is not intended to replace the services of a trained professional or to be a substitute for the advice of licensed professionals. Neither MySpace, LiveJournal, or any of their Affiliates will be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary, or other damages arising there from. By submitting a question, you deem that you accept these terms as stated above.
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If you ARE a MySpace member, all entries should be submitted to my MySpace account.
If you ARE a LiveJournal member, all entries must be left as a comment with “Ask Dana” in the subject line.
If you ARE NOT a MySpace or LiveJournal, I highly reccomend that you SignUp for an account.
If you choose not to, send questions to this address: digitalvixon@comcast.net
NOTE: misuse of this address will result in your banishment from my friends list and all your future letters and comments will be blocked.
All entries MUST be separate from your regular emails, and MUST contain “Ask Dana” in the subject line unless I choose to include content on my own, at which time you will be asked for your permission to post such entries.
Questions can be about anything under the sun – they do NOT have to be directly about me. You may ask generalized questions about sex but you MAY NOT ask anything personal about my sex life. I will NOT disclose any of that information for it is very personal to me. Fucking perverts.
I will never post your name or log-in id. You will always remain anonymous in my blog entries.
I think thats about it. If you have any further questions, feel free to ask… or just have your attorney contact mine.
Tag. You’re All It.
VIDEO – Triumph vs. Star Wars Geeks
life skills and time spent worthless
August 11, 2005
voy·eur Pronunciation Key (voi-yûr)
n.
1. A person who derives sexual gratification from observing the naked bodies or sexual acts of others, especially from a secret vantage point.
2. An obsessive observer of sordid or sensational subjects.
sen·sa·tion·al Pronunciation Key (sên-sã’sh-nél)
adj.
1. Of or relating to sensation.
2. Arousing or intended to arouse strong curiosity, interest, or reaction, especially by exaggerated or lurid details: sensational journalism; a sensational television report.
3. Outstanding; spectacular
I am highly amused by people that take great pleasure in periodically checking into my journal hoping to find something of great value to gossip about. As much as I appreciate those of you who come here to read up and comment, those of you that I know, or those of you who come here stictly for entertainment… I must say that the rest of the people that visit these pages are almost sick in their intent.
Why be so bothered by what I am doing – especially if it doesn’t involve you directly. Why talk about it? What pleasure does this bring you. Its sad. A word of advice, your own life and responsibilities to deal with – focus your time and energy on that. You know what, I’m here to please. Do me a favor, get yourself a livejournal account, or email me (digitalvixon@comcast.net), and ask me all the juicy details you want to know, and I’ll be sure to answer them. In fact – I’ll start up ASK DANA again. Enjoy.
VIDEO – Farm Sluts (NSFW)
macarena madness…
August 9, 2005
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
-Tommy Cooper
Yesterday, I was very saddened by a person that I though was very close to me. My “Jesus Saves” bank, containing about $40 in quarters and a guitar pic given to me by my friend Timmy before he passed, was stolen from my room. I know who snatched it, and when I confronted them, they treated me like I was a lunatic and lost the thing. Its not the money that bothers me, its the deceit. This person has stolen from me before and they know how much they hurt me the first time, so to do it again is a kick in the face. I’m getting my bank back… come hell or high water.
So far, it is 86° inside the house (85° outside), the shuttle landed, and I took a nap. Before I fell asleep, I stumbled onto an old friend’s (Samm) myspace page through a random picture online. Samm was a dear friend of mine from about 98-2000 and I dont think I’ve seen him since.
-weird dream-
In most of my dreams, cities generally look like something out of The Crow. I had just moved into one of these cities and was running with a grocery cart from an ex and his new baby mama. I noticed a man in front of me drop something and entered the bar in which he walked into to return it. The bar was not normal – it was a homosexual biker bar and they were all dancing to the macarena in their leather vests and chaps. I freaked and bolted.
Outside, Scott and Jen greeted me with their new twin babies and begged me to take one of them off their hands and meet them at their parents house for a bbq. I was really preoccupied by my torn pantyhose, not listening to what they were saying, and just agreed to agree. I took the baby when they left and threw it inside the bar door and ran away.
Next thing I know, I’m in a car chase. I see all my old friend from Detroit lining the streets cheering me on to victory. I’m feeling extreme guilt for ditching my friends newborn child, but I was sure that the gay men inside would give her a good home.
I pull up to a car wash and see my old friend Samm working in the office. To help him out, I drive around and promote the car was as much as possible. Because of all the new business, the owner decides to give that location to Samm. After signing the necessary paper work, Samm and I decide to celebrate. We flew around the carwash and sprayed hundred of BMW’s. It soon turned into a weird Christmas musical and dwarfs were there helping us scrub the tires while singing show tunes. Bubbles rose from the cars and upon reaching the ceiling, they turned into quarters and fell quick to the floor. We sang and danced… it was a joyous time!!
I've got friends in high places…
August 8, 2005
A BULLETIN POSTED BY MARK WILL FROM 93.1 WSGR
“It’s the 23rd birthday of Port Huron’s premier feminine junkie/whackjob, the legendary Dana Braun! In celebration of her surviving another year, there is, of course, a party, and YOU (unless you’re under 21) are invited to attend.
featuring:
Downtown Brown, bringing you punk rock straight from Detroit
Detroit Crunkstar
and
Sincerely Severed, bringing you metal from Port Huron
The drinks will be flowing, there’ll be party favors, and for you chicks with no self-respect at all, there’ll be the chance to…..Yes, you guessed it, OIL WRESTLE! It’ll be hedonism at it’s best!”
26663
August 6, 2005
Good friends and whiskey are the best medicine. My birthday was hands down the best night I’ve had in years. I have never felt so loved in my life. By the end of the night, there wasn’t one person I didn’t know. Each of my friends acted so proud to know me – anxious to introduce me to someone new – “You have to meet Dana…” The crowd cheered for me. I felt like a princess.
I wasn’t able to do the oil wrestling as planned because the space wasn’t large enough to hold the 15′ mattress, so I changed up the entertainment to a wet tshirt contest. The night went so well, that I didn’t even need any loose-moral acts. I cancelled the contest and didn’t hear a word about it.
Camera crews from the newspaper and Spin were there shooting pics of the party – I’m also pretty sure they will be doing a write up on Sincerely Severed. For some reason, every time I bring out a band, people act as if its no big deal, but as soon as they see the show, they are completely amazed. I wish you could have all seen the show Detroit Crunkstar and Downtown Brown put on! The crowd was wicked! Neil from Downtown Brown even wrote me a special song and played it while I danced on top of him. I wish I could have seen it from another perspective – we must have looked like total asses.
At the end of the night, I bent over a chair on the stage and let my friend Ashleigh whipped me with the handle of a whip 20 times, and then the owner of the bar finished me off while the crowd went crazy.
I ended the night by opening a homemade bottle of wine with Freddy and friends and then drove out to the woods in Ruby for yet another party. I watched the sun rise with people I loved and rolled around in the grass with two extremely hot chicks. What more could you ask for??
Special thanks to: Johnny Roche and the Roche Bar staff, Sincerely Severed, Detroit Crunkstar, Downtown Brown, Mark Will, Ashleigh Martin, Scott Jackson, Jack Daniels, the Quay St Brewery duck tenders, Greg and Carrie, Jennifer Taylor, Drugged Killer Productions, baby daddy, Turbo, all the security staff, the security staff that didn’t catch me with the fifth of Jack hidden behind the sound board, everyone that bought me a drink, Freddy Kauffman, and each and every person that came out to celebrate with me. You are all the best and made this a night to remember!!
I’ll post the pics as soon as I get my camera back.
I recieved a belated gift from the Department of Treasury today – a $200 Drivers Responsibility ticket for no proof of insurance. Have you EVER heard of this bullshit?! I just went to the St Clair Shores courthouse and was ordered to pay $220 FOR THE SAME TICKET! What gives the state the right to charge me twice for the same thing? When I go back to court next Wednesday, I’m going to throw this paperwork at the judge and demand that he cancel the ticket and issue me a full refund! I cant believe they even charged me with that in the first place. Happy birtday indeed! Fuckers.
Its my birthday…
August 5, 2005
-MEN- Do me a favor and make up your damn minds. If you dont want to argue, shut your damn mouth… by opening it again, you ARE arguing. Oh – and arguing that you “grew up over time and refuse to argue with anyone anymore” makes you look like a complete jackass. Promises – if you aren’t man enough to handle breaking someones heart, dont plan on making them when you damn well know you cant keep your word. If you cant handle seeing someone cry, dont hurt them. And remember, just because you’ve learned to apologize, it doesn’t mean that a half-assed “I’m sorry” cuts it – most can see through the bullshit. Dont treat people like they are stupid – dont take advantage of anyone’s care, concern, support, or trust… cause you know what… maybe that person grew up a little as well and refuses to be walked over ever again.
When is it that you just shake, forgive, get over, and get on with your life? Being alive is a fucking curse. I’m sure you all understand.
So – its my birthday! What a way to start the day. I’m pretty sure I just got kicked out of my house – homeless, carless, penniless, and 23. My life couldn’t get any better. If I really have to leave, I’m going to have to drop the rest of this semester and try to start all over again in Auburn Hills. I’m kind of scared now. If this is the way its going to be, I’m doomed.
Tonight is the party. I have four hours before I have to leave the house and get the show on the road. Wish me luck… there are some unwelcomed guests attending.
25310
July 30, 2005
Nothing much has changed in my life, but a new friend gave me a more positive outlook for my future. I’ve finally taken the first step to getting out of Port Huron. Its not that I don’t like home, because the beauty of Port Huron is finally starting to become more and more relevent to me. I think I have it too easy out here. I’m used to getting what I want, having everything readily available, and I know at least two people everywhere I go. I’m retarding my chances of fully maturing out here because I’m not getting all the experiences I should. I need to throw myself into a new world, do things on my own… make myself.
When this semester is over, I will be moving in with my friend Mike in Auburn Hills. This is an amazing opportunity for me. I will be closer to Detroit and a lot of great concert venues. I am so thankful for Mike. He is sacrificing his time, home, and overall well-being… just so I can take this step. Everyone needs a friend like this kid. On top of it all, he makes me laugh… same sick sense of humor as me.
God help that little town… this might me disastrous.
My birthday is in under a week. I’m really disappointed in “Dana”. 23 years old with nothing of real value accomplished. Things I’ve done so far:
-thrown myself into numerous negative relationships
-totaled my car
-swam with a dead anchorman
-blown off college
-lost my artistic touch
-addictions
-blown through thousands and thousands of dollars
-been arrested
-still in court
-gain an enormous amount of weight
-get a bad rep
-and many more…
I’ll spare you all the details, but I’m throwing myself a birthday party. Ok, I kid… here’s the lowdown.
I know I’ve been mentioning this constantly and if you’re from the Port Huron area, you’ve probably seen a flyer posted in a bathroom or one has been handed to you by one of my stacked friends in revealing clothing (i.e. Ashleigh).
We’ll be opening up the outside for this event, kind of like boat night. This way, you can all still have access to the jukebox and pool tables inside if the music outside is too much for you… or if you want to hide from that drunken, psycho broad that has been following you around all night.
I told you I would have some tricks up my sleeve… and let me tell you, its better then I could have ever hoped for. I finally found the pools for the Jell-O wrestling… and I just got verification that JACK DANIELS is bringing the babes out and a ton of free gifts, as well. I’m also in for one hell of a paddling – 23 lashes to be exact!
stumble, wave, fall from grace.
July 7, 2005
I knew this girl. Actually, I knew her well. We were best friends. M. – a year younger than me, bright, cheerful, full of life. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to coin as my little sister. She came from a much different background than me – a poor child, wild in the sense that she knew how to use her “beauty” to get what she wanted… even a fix. She grew up from all of that when she had her first born at the age of 16 – my first niece. She was so smart – knoweledged from the real “hard knock school”… knew how to succeed, determined to make something of herself. I always looked up to her drive and determination to make a better life for her children.
We were inseparable. Handfuls of my favorite memories were by her side. We were quite the duo. We knew how to run shit. We knew we could do anything we wanted – and with power – because we had each other on our side. I haven’t heard from her since January.
Today I recieved a call from her. I could barely make out her words… everything was sped up and jumbled. She asked me nonsense questions about our time lost. Asked me if I still loved her. Of course I do. I could tell she was strung out. When I asked her what she was into and where she has been, she told me in such a nonchalant manner that she had been turned onto crack and heroine by a friend. She became pregnant with her third child and delivered it still born in its sixth month while she was whoring herself out for another fix (bad blood she said). Somehow, she had her two children taken from her during this time… but she swears to me that she will get them back. She says all this with no emotion.
She asks me to look for jobs with her. I agree, but must ask if she’s sober. She claims to be sober for two days. This all surprises me. She really really was the brightest girl I’ve ever known – had it all together. She’s gone now. Anything that ever was the M. that I loved so much has disappeared somewhere in a line or a syringe.
What the fuck?! I know of a lot of people with dependancies – but never has ever hit home so hard for me like this case. This girl is my heart. After she begged for food one last time, I hung up and immediately collapsed. I cant stop crying. All I want to do is grab her, not ever let her go and tell her that everything is going to be ok… but I cant. Its not going to be ok. She is too far gone. She is at a point of no return… if you could have only heard her. Begging. We dont beg… we take care of ourselves.
I sat down tonight and ate a huge fillet mignon dinner. I cant invite her over. Do you know how much that hurts to have your best friend beg you for food and you cant even invite them into your home because you’re too afraid that they might steal from you??! My friend the addict – pathetic. How can I fix this? When do you know when to give up?? How long should I stay by her side?? Should I even trust her anymore after she’s been away for so long?? I dont know how to get past all this emotion. I cant let her go, but I cant put myself in a situation that might bring me down as well.
Tonight, I will pray to something… anything.
23842
June 29, 2005
Last night was a blood moon. It was beautiful. I sat outside for a half an hour taking in the fresh air – chasing it with a cigarette from time to time. As much as I might say that I hate living back at home, it is quite refreshing. Its like a retreat out here. I am no longer hassled by bills, no one passed out on the floor… just me, my family, and an amazing landscape. I am growing more and more fond of nature. Every day I wake up to a large pond outside my bedroom window. The road is blocked by trees, so all I take in are beautiful shades of green and blue.
Taking steps to further myself now. School starts tomorrow. I just paid $680 for a class called “Workplace Communication”. I understand that every professional needs to be keen in intra/interpersonal communication skills, but does it have to be so costly? I can understand a class in neuroscience costing a pretty penny, but this is almost an elective course! Perhaps I will cash in one of my scholarships next semester – have the state help me out a bit.
I’ve decided to start writing that book I’ve been talking about for quite some time. I dont think I’ve ever mentioned it in this journal, so I’ll give you the low-down. Its pretty much a tell-all tale of my life, focusing on the kidnapping and my escapades of the last five years. Don’t worry, if I dont ask you to sign a release, I will not use your real names. I’ve properly titled it:
“Laying In Bed With Charlie”
by Dana Braun
Catchy, eh? Who is Charlie? You’ll have to read to find out. The catch is – will I be able to finish this book before I die, or forget all the information I want to write about… better yet, will this be just another one of my short-lived hobbies. Hell, at least I’ll keep busy for an hour or so.
My dreams are still my dreams – crazy, off the wall psychotic… but now I’m daydreaming a lot. I like to pretend in “real life”. I choose a persona and stick with it for the entire day. Does this mean that my psyche has hit rock bottom, am I just getting overly (and sickeningly)creative, or is this just a way for me to cope with my “reality”? You’re asking yourself “does the lunatic talk to herself too?” Hell yeah I do!! I even answer my own questions… with a sly smile on my face… maybe even a tip of the hat.
Too many of my friends have been asking me for help with their problems. As much as I would like to send my support, I am unable to pay full attention to their minor cases. Do they understand who they are asking for sympathy? I can give it – but hell, where’s mine?! I know I dont deserve any because everything that I have gotten myself into over the past year is a direct result of something I have or haven’t done. I’m glad I’m finally realizing that. I cant point the finger any more.
i'm lagging…
June 5, 2005
I forgot to mention the music festival. There was a lot of boozing and babysitting that took place, but all in all, it was a blast! The first night I spent a lot of time in the Pontchartrain meeting up with friends – I got in about 2 hours of dancing before hitting up the bar again. The second day was… well, lets just call it “interesting”. All of Detroit was crooked for about 11 hours. I ignored the majority of my friends and really wanted nothing more than to just sleep. When I finally got around to that, I passed out on the ledge with my arm dangling from the 17 floor window.
Day three really was the winner. I met up with Freddy and Rose early in the day… and I spent the remainder of the evening with Casey and his crew. I took advantage of my VIP drink tickets and got pretty hammered by the time Mos Def and Ritchie Hawtin finished. After the festival, we decided to get our crews together (my Detroit/Port Huron crew, and Caseys MN crew) and head over to Bleu for an after party. I danced my ass off and had a blast. I love wandering the streets of Detroit late night and sweaty. We threw quarters into the Jefferson/Woodward fountain and wished to “do blow of hookers asses”. How sweet is that??
Me and Alex Isreal
Angie, Casey, and Me
Tuesday was the real bummer – I totaled my car on the way home. Yes – I was sober and awake. Its just sad… sad. My whole body is bruised and I thank the “gods” that I am alive. I drove into a dump truck and was hit by two other cars from behind. If it werent for my airbag and seatbelt, I would have died for sure. I have never experienced anything as horrifying. I could have killed myself, my best friend, and others. I am so thankful nothing worse happened. No – I didn’t have full coverage, so I will be without a car for a while… I’m just glad that the Civic was paid off.
an open letter to my secret admirer
June 4, 2005
you will not believe how strangely amused i am today after receiving probably one of the best comments to date. someone out there cares a little too much about what i have to say and obviously doesn’t know how to analyze written information or even spell above a third grade level. Again, can you remind me what “22 + 11″ is??? Stupid bitch. can you believe this broad actually asked that question?? Yeah, I know who you are. I’m not going to blame young broads for their lack of intelligence or capability to keep their mouth off a dick. What has happened to the youth of today? When did it become popular to admit how much of a whore you are to the entire town and be proud of it? Thank god I dont associate with these degenerates. Oh, if you have trouble understanding anything that I am writing, horse, please feel free to look it up in a dictionary… or ask one of your high school teachers… I’m sure they’ll help you out either before or after you blow them.
honestly, anything i write and everything involving my life is no business of yours. in fact, all the information you so brightly wrote about was incorrect in one way or another. you should really reevaluate your source. i’m sorry that you are that weak to be bothered with a relationship that hardly involved you. you were basically just one whore that came in during a break – one of the many… so how does that deem you as special?? i bet your parents are proud. and to tell you the truth, you were – and still are – the girl that everyone laughs at… its not me. i have pride in who i am… pride that i haven’t stuck around to be walked all over… pride that I am nothing like you and your kind. i have a damn good reputation for being a LADY… something that years of abstinence will never give back to you. so please, think before you write. you lost your innocence, bitch.
have fun doing whatever it is you do… just leave my life out of it. i feel really sorry that you and your clique are following that lost cause around like he’s god. trust me, once you get past the exterior (which isn’t much), there isn’t much left to offer. have fun with him. he’s all yours… and everyone elses to boot. i gave up a while ago. bravo! you win! in fact, fuck it… i’m happy for you all. get drunk, fuck, make babies and sit on welfare all your life… i’m sure you’re used to it.
Take Care,
Dana
This is the letter I am referencing (read with caution):
“Subject: your a crazy bitch!!!!
you think that writing these journals is going to make the world feel sorry for you but really were cracking up laughing. i think your the most pathetic thing in the world… people break up with there mates all the time bnut dont go write a damn boojk about it….. i can probley list a book about why he cheated on you and left you… look at you…. im not trying to be mean i m telling you the truth.. i hope you liked my sloppy seconds. becaause your dumb ass didnt think about who sat on it befoore you sucked it.. are you that fucking retarted.. hes not with you anymore it was a year ago get overrrrrrr ittttt….. by the way i got to bring this up because i was laughing my ass off… when you thought you were all that fucking him… i was in the bathroom laughin my ass off becasue…
1. i was in that bed less then 24 hours….(that day)
2.i was gettin some acting in the bathroom while you were resting on the bed..
3.and after you were gone he came back to me.
go talk to a shrink,,, no one really cares about you. hes doing perfectly fine without you and i think you need to move on.. your lonley because your nothing special to this world you write these journals to make yourself think your better but really if you read over then you would think your crazy yourself…this is just a friend giving you advice..NOT. so instead of wasting your pathetic life writeing thes journals (even tho you have nothing to do in your life) you need to move on move to another state and make all of us happy…well im going to let you go because im wating my time writing this so have a fucked up life stop writing these journals and move becsue trust he did….. bub_i
hi dana this is an old friend that ues to live by you on wadhams and to tell you the truth you really need to move on and grow up because its ovious he dont want to be with you he has many other girls that can make him happy and he got over you easy so why dont you do the same its been a year now so grow the fuck up and we a woman and find someone new…..”
I know you’re all lining up to get with this one!!
23067
May 23, 2005
Its been a while, eh kids? Its been that kind of month/spring so far… you know the type. Its the kind where the weather change not only messes with your complexion, but your mood and stabilility as well. No – no knife to wrist as of yet, but things aren’t looking so hot for poor lil Digi.
I forget the things I have recently written about past/present/future relationships, and dont care to look at them either. All I can say is that I am confused and lonely… and am frankly pretty scared to associate with the male race. I’m not saying that I am weak, I just have to figure out what the hell it is that I am before I mess around with any mind other than my own… ok, most importantly my own. Make sense? Tell me about it.
I’m just sick of being scared… even when there is someone there. Constantly worrying. Constantly tearing myself down because of past events. I need to learn to accept what I have here on my own before I will be able to share anything with another… no matter how much love there was then or now. This is tough – and its killing me. I would really give my right testicle to be as happy and free minded as I was when I was 18. I wasn’t broken then… I was Dana.
I’ve been coming to terms with a lot of the truths of my life lately. Who I am, what I’ve done… and now, how I have to fix it all. Its about time, I guess. By settling all the scores, I should be able to live a more fulfilled life. It will be hard though… I’m too proud, and in some of these cases – too broke to fix it. I’m still young. I have time.
Another situation that has been bugging me is my grandfather’s health. He was recently diagnosed with cancer and has come to live with us while he goes through treatment. Its tough knowing that the man sleeping in the room next to me, who I’ve looked up to my entire childhood as being the strongest spirit I know, is spending the rest of his time on Earth here living with us weak, sad and scared. And as much as I do love him, it is really tough to live with his beliefs. He is an EXTREMELY racist man (raised that way), and because of this, I cannot associate with a few of my friends while he’s around… and he actually makes my stomach curl quite often with the asinine things he says.
On a better note, I finally took he initative and signed up for Summer and Fall courses at the college again. I changed my major over to Computer Information Systems – something that I am actually excited about learning more about. I love going to a private college because I will graduate much earlier, but the prices are outstanding (600+ per class). I start next month. Wish me luck.
Memorial Weekend is coming up which means one thing – Detroit Electronic Music Festival (Fuse-In Detroit). Like usual, I am not paying for my own room, but I will be staying with the plethora of friends that I do have down there. I actually have a pretty strick itinerary this year. I have met so many great people around Michigan and so many others online that will be flying out to Detroit, that I will have my hands full with all the meet and greets. I also picked up my VIP pass, so I will be busy with all that as well.
I also have an interview with a reporter with the local paper about the festival. He heard that I was the “girl to talk to” since I have been going since the beginning. He wants to know about the past five years and my itinerary for this year. What do I say to that? “Um… I barely remember?!” Ha!
For some reason, there are a lot of you out there that think that I never came back from Cali. You should all pay more attention to dates! Cali was great! It was beautiful and I had a great time. I would really like to go back one day… but as for living there, Hollywood life really isn’t for me. I will miss the people I have met out there, and am thankful for all the great memories they sent me home with. Who is down for Vegas?!
Well, this is it for now. Sorry it has been so long. (chill)
California Update – Day One down.
April 13, 2005
The flight out yesterday was really bumpy and they wouldn’t feed me on the plane (I guess its not common practice for them to break a $100 for a snack box)… but other than that, it was a pretty cool trip. I’ve never been this far west, and flying over the mountains was amazing.
The weather out here is amazing!! I was afraid at first that it was going to be too hot… but it is just perfect. I was a little surprised to see so many people wearing sweats and jackets, but i guess these California people are just “crazy like that”.
First order of business – food. My friend Mark too me to this little taco stand just past the Thai Massage parlor (where i will be going tomorrow) where I had my first taste of “authentic” mexican cuisine. Pretty damn good. I’m impressed.
The architecture/foliage/wildlife here in LA is just blowing me away. I’ve never seen anything as beautiful. There are so many colors and textures… so much different than the usual grays and browns of Detroit. Not that I am cutting down Detroit, I love my hometown… this is just a little bit of a culture shock for me – instead of smog and bums, I’m walking among hippies and actors… and I cant fucking smoke indoors! And everyone here is so damn beautiful… whats in the damn water?!
The place I am staying is amazing. Its this cute little place on the side of a mountain… surrounded by plants… and out my window, i can see the Hollywood sign. It doesn’t get any better than that… well, I could think of a few other things to wake up to… but I wont go there.
Last night I went out to 4100 and had (greater than or equal to) a few drinks with Mark and his buddy “Scooter”. The bar was beautiful, the people were beautiful… and other than the fact that drinks are outrageous and I had to smoke outside, I had a blast!
Cant really say just yet if California is the place for me to settle just yet… but I am going to enjoy every minute of it. Take care guys.
delusions…
April 9, 2005
“All inhibitions are out the window and I just wanted to say that even though you didn’t respond to my messages I only pray that some day in the future I will again meet someone half as beautiful and brilliant as you. Someone with the same unmatched charisma, the likes of which the world has never seen. There, I said it, brand me a freak if you will, a hopeful idiot, I don’t care. All I’ve hoped for from the day we first spoke was to spend another fraction of my life talking to you. Maybe in the future I won’t speak so soon and scare that girl away, say too much too early, but such is the stupidity of (name here)’s heart, he says what he means and always means what he says, er something. Far be it from me to conjure up anything profound in this state of mind but Dana Braun will be a household name in a few years, I’m thankful I at least met her.”
“dana, i would just like to say that you are truly one of a kind. now i know that you have prolly thought that im full of shit sometimes and that i talk out of my ass, but i just want you to know, and i cant stress this enough, that when i speak, type, write, sing.. i speak, type, write, and sing from the heart. and thats no joke. in case you havent already gathered, i consider myself to be a passionate, affectionate, and open person to all those close to me in my life who i feel merit access to my insides. i am a terrific judge of charachter, quite an acute ability that i have honed over the years. i know a person with a heart that shines when i see one. and nigga, you shine like paint 
i havent met a friend quite like you EVER, and it drives me nuts that you are so far.. because theres so much that i dont know that i wish i did. one day i hope to have the opportunity to travel deeper into your brain, because it amazes me. i dont really know why i thought id write you and tell you this..i guess i just wanted you to know that i care, as distant and far off as i may seem.. now i know that i dont amount to a hill of beans, and that im sure you have countless others from all over (prolly closer than i am ha) who tell you the same things that i see in you (and how could they not?), but i just want to say thank you. thank you for finding me. thank you for being there and making me feel not so lonely. thank you for letting me learn about you. thank you for being a better friend to me than many kids who ive known for years. thank you for being who you are.
who the hell does this florida boy think he is? im just grateful to know a person like you.”
I dont deserve any of this. I mean it. I really dont. I’m not that person.
Maybe I am and I just dont know it. Maybe I am so insecure that I am afraid to let people be nice to me… I push them all away cause I am so used to being shit on.
Professional help is starting to seem like a better idea every day.
I want to apologize out there for all the “good guys” I have hurt. I wish I could take it all back.
22352
April 9, 2005
I give up. I give up on men and relationships for a while – especially sex.
I have no need for any of them right now. I have no need to put up with their obsession, controlling behavior, bad attitudes, and cruel remarks. I’m not just talking about one man, but the collective group of men that I have been involved with over the past six months.
Note: all men were handled separately, and not all were assholes.
I keep putting myself in really uncomfortable situations where I either let myself get walked on, or the guy is so damn … obsessed … with me that they cant stop calling or writing… even crying!
I’m not ready for a relationship again… that girl that is lost is lost because of the relationships I’ve been in… I’ve locked myself away and molded more into what suited the pairing better. I cant do that now. I need me more than anyone right now.
I’m sorry if I’ve hurt any of your feelings, led you on, or if you’re just confused… but I’m just not interested.
Besides, I’m still stuck in love. I’m in love and I hate it. I cant deal with you because I am cursed with this. Its not fair to you. Why would you want to waste your time with someone who is still constantly hoping that one day things could work out better with another man.
It was fun, but my casual dating/kidnapping is now officially over. Thank you for your time and the memories. The end.
unite
April 4, 2005
three days ago, i went out with a group of friends to drink and have a good time… just like any young kid would do. Halfway through the night, we decided to take a field trip to a local playground at twnenty eight degree temperature. We swung, slid, and climbed… giggles the entire time. But I noticed on our way home, as we all walked hand in hand, skipping to our own tune, the shadow we all cast. I looked at us as we walked… our shadows… taller than we could all have imagined… taller than I could have ever imagined us to look. We are all becoming the adults we always have wanted to… but are so afraid to become. I was proud to have acknowledged that. It was humbling.
Tonight, after a few more drinks… I drove home… grabbed a random cd out of my case, and threw it in. This was not just a random cd – to me, it was so much more. Back when I threw parties, I was handed demo cds left and right… but this one I distinctly remember… “Mista Yuk & Maxwell” was skribbled on it. I dont think we had these kids booked, but I met one of them next to my MoonWalk. I barely remember the entire meeting, but we talked for a few and he seemed like a pretty cool guy. I have that entire cd memorized. It was one of the best mixes I’ve heard in years… and played it religiously… from when I was 18-20.
What really hit me was … that was the ONE random cd I picked out in the darkness of the Civic to be my soundtrack for my ride home. I heard those beats… and all the lyrics… and it brought me back. Back to the little girl I was… back to the person that was so passionate about music… jumping in my seat… tears in eye… I could never try to describe that feeling to you… because my words would never give that emotion justice.
Tonight at the bar, there was one boy that looked so familiar to me… but I couldn’t put his face to the situation. Finally, I had the guts to walk up to him and ask him if I knew him from somewhere. He looked at me, smiled and said, “of course I know you, Dana… I’ve been to all your parties…”, then turned to his friends and told them that I was the girl that threw the best parties that Port Huron has ever seen. They all shook my hand and told me “what an honor” it was to meet Dana Braun.
What the fuck am I now?? Where is that girl that had power and knew what she wanted and how to get there? How pathetic have I let my life become? I am a slave to the internet and promotions. Is that me? No! I know how to get out there… at least I thought I knew… or I did. My life has become a sham. I try so hard to be what I was but have been brought down so much that I dont know how to be “me”… who the fuck am I ???
I swear I will never let anyone down… at least myself. I might be in a bit of a dry spell… but I am still me. Don’t think that I have given up… I’m just so caught up in what “life” is. You have to grow up sometime… but no matter what fate seems to bring me… I will always have my family, and I will always have the music. This is what I know… and that is my promise. I am as strong a woman as I know… and I will make good. World watch out.
My Mass Emails…
February 27, 2005
Hi Y’all !!
I know some of you have been wondering where I’ve been for the past few weeks. I apologize for my absence lately… but I am deadly sick. I’m not sure what I have, but it comes and it goes. I’m not even understanding how I got any of this because I haven’t left my house except for maybe five times in the last month. Perhaps this crazy virus has a hella incubation period… who knows… but my little immune system (or lack there of) has bumped my temperature up to… lets check again … 101.2… hey, not bad considering last night it was 102.7 … I MIGHT LIVE!
I just want to let you all know that I will be back, cross your fingers, do a little dance… Dana (Digi) will be coming home!
Oh, if I don’t make it, Chris H., you can have my entire rave flyer collection – there are hundreds! Just make sure you frame certain ones for me.
Jenise – you can have my HotHits collectors cards… they will be worth something someday (I have all the NKOTB!!)
Mom – you can have Jesus… I know you love him! … and all my monkeys.
Julian – I want you to have all my books… you probably wont be amused by them, but I know you’ll put them to good use somehow.
Devin – You can have my webcam.
Mark – I want you to have my old school stereo + front feed record player – it’s a panty dropper for sure!
Justin – You can have my entire cd collection!
Michael P – My DVD collection, put em to good use – and my cool Polaroid camera… remember that? No? That’s cause I was snapping pics while you were out.
Neil – yes, you can have my rollerskates…
Herm – you can have all my furniture for your new apartment, but my mom says that it all needs to be out of her house by 3 days after my death or she’s burning it all. Oh, and my Pez Dispenser collection… oh yeah, all the goods.
Bill – its your job now to write my biography. Make me look good, yo!!
Mike S. – you can have all of my journals
Acid Burn – you can have my lighters… even my Biz Markie one.
Joe Crunky – you can have your ring back… sorry about that. I guess you can also have my Astro Jax… memories!!
… that’s all for now… god, I really don’t have much to give out. The rest of you can fight over my underwear, car, furniture, homie’s collection, shoes, and ashes.
By the way, I crashed my Outlook a few weeks ago and I need to get all of your information again. Please be a peach and send me your mailing address (only the people who need to), phone number, birthday, webpage address, and so on so I can get my shit back together… I lost around 300 contacts!! Ah! Its going to be a bitch getting it back there from 20! Ha. Wish me luck.
Time for another nap.
Love you all!
//Dana (Digi)
THEN YESTERDAY
Hey Kids –
You’ll be happy to hear that I took your advice and ran to urgent care today. The doctor took one look into my throat and sat at the other side of the room for the remainder of the check-up.
I have the most serious case of strep throat that office has seen all year. Thank you. Thank you. Doc said that it is a collaboration between all the sicknesses I’ve been having… just the virus keeps mutating. At the rate I’m going, he said there is a very possible chance that I can have a heart something-or-other.
I was prescribed something to numb my throat and tonsils, a pain reliever, amoxicillin, and a methylpred pak (steroids). I’m not very excited about taking all these pills because I can barely swallow solid food… and the steroids are ten pills a day sometimes. Ah! .. and the steroids are going to make me swell up really bad… especially in the face… I’ll send the funny pics.
I am extremely contagious and I was recommended to stay indoors and away from people as much as possible – so I’m sorry, but I will not be making it out to anyone’s events for at least ten days. I’m not supposed to move around and I have to make sure that I eat three full meals a day… or as much as I can hold down.
I’m also on WATCH!! For real, the shit’s fucked up! If I begin to drool at all, I have to be rushed to the hospital immediately or I will die. Oh the fun!
You all know I love you – and I PROMISE I’ll be back soon… just not sure when. Please don’t get angry with me if I don’t reply to every email or if I am not returning offline messages – sometimes its really tough for me to look at the screen. Either way, don’t worry about me – this broad’s a trooper!!!
Take care, guys!!
Hugs and humps!!
Dana (digi)
21549
February 27, 2005
I found this email to be very sweet. Here are some excerpts:
In reference to Lost In Translation
“I am in exactly the same place as where Bill Murray was. Very successful,
great family, everything I could want, yet something missing. That is where
you come in. I do not think you are where Scarlett was but maybe close.
Really I do not know much about you.
Still you havegivin me something these last few days that has been missing.
My stomach has a tingle I havent felt for ywears. It is so ridiculoyusly
stupid because you could be gone with a poof and my life and yours would go
on uneffected but still I love the fun we have. You are so beautiful.
Watching your face light up after i type something silly or stupidihas such
an unbelievable effect on me.
I don't know why Bill tells Scarlett i the end but I can tell you this.
Everything will be allright.
No matter what happens with our little group, and like Bill in the movie my
days are numbered, you have somehow touched my heart. God it is so silly but
it has happened.
You might think I am an old fool and I wouldn't blame you. No matter what
happens we have all had a lot of fun.
(random person) was hilarious. He wanted so badly to know what we were all about but
he couldn't get it. I am not sure I get it but god it is fun. Love ya“
21362
February 18, 2005
what can i say… i haven't been myself lately. hell, i cant even remember my dreams.
boys. cant live with em… cant sleep well without em. i'm lonely, i must admit. i cant, cant, cant throw myself into another relationship… but god, sleeping alone for these past five or six months has been killing me. god, i really wish (insert exboyfriend's name here) wasn't such a fucking asshole, because we did make a good couple… we complimented each other well. but its not meant to be. i'm too far gone, too scarred. better to just leave each other alone and work to mend our feelings into something that could be a friendship.
if you out there have a webcam, you really should get into WebDate.com . i am absolutely addicted. its 100% free and all the video is in realtime… so screw yahoo and msn. its quite the online community. sure, you have your exhibitionistic couples slammin' it up for the general public, your jerkers, general pervs… but i have come across a group that has become very dear to me. i have formed myself quite the little crew (catstewart, gradz, mastus,pnxgolf, ramdodge, xxflmostwantesxx, + more) and we have had nothing but hours of late night fun. yesterday, i set up my camera and let a room of 50 people watch me clean my kitchen/dining room… and then made some turkey burgers. it makes every day tasks so much more enjoyable!! hell, mastus and i started a room last night at 9:30pm and had it running until 5am. boy… the things we pulled in there! ha ha. check us out!
… shh … shh … its nice and quiet …
so tonight i have another kidnapping. well, more of a business venture… but all in all, it is still a kidnapping. we're actually going out to discuss doing some cd artwork and promo flyers for a local group, Detroit Crunkstar. oops, did i give that away?? maybe i shouldn't tell who is stealing me away. wish me luck… and a safe journey!
20857
February 13, 2005
i'll save you all from another “dream” entry… although the one I'd like to write about involves Catholic rock and roll zombies and pencil-sized companions. Fuck, if you want to hear that one, comment… and it will be yours.
a subject i am more than happy to comment on was last night's show @ the Roche. once all the bullshit subsided, everything went off with a bang. the Street Brats ditched out on the show… same at the Whuts… but the Symptoms (Chicago) handled the show on their own so amazingly… so powerfully… that I am actually happier that there wasn't another band there. I have a ton of respect for any band that will play an extra set without plan, and then run over to a local art gallery and play again just for the hell of it… even risking the chance to be molested by naked painted drunken Port Huron hippies. ha, maybe that was their goal.
either way, you should all check them out – http://thesymptoms.us I can see these guys going somewhere. their new cd should be dropping soon – as soon as I get the word, i'll let you guys know where to pick up a copy.
Side Note: One day, hopefully sooner than later, I will have my release. When it comes, it will be so loud, so primal, that I think the entire world will feel my power.
Kidnap Application
February 9, 2005
as some of you know, Dana has a strange fascination with being stolen from comfort and thrown into weird situations – being kidnapped. this is not because she is perverted, careless, or wild (ok, maybe a little)… but because she likes the thrill of new experiences and new people. you might be saying, “damn, that can be dangerous!” Why yes it can be, children. there are a lot of weirdos out there. so just to let you know, if you are interested in stealing Ms. Braun for a day or so, you MUST fill out the application. this is not a new thing, so dont start bitching. This is mandatory!
/please cut and paste application in an email and send to DigitalVixon’s MySpace account/
===================================
KIDNAP APPLICATION
===================================
Full Name (no handles or aliases):
Age:
Sex:
Drivers License Number:
Area of Residence:
Do You Have Reliable Transportation:
–working brakes?
–headlights?
–tail lights?
–seat belts?
Do you have any known allergies to alcohol:
Any warrants:
–If so, for what? We dont discriminate:
Why is it that you want to kidnap Dana:
You do understand that there will NOT be any sex involved:
No, really, no sex. What do you think about that:
How would you describe the relationship with your mother:
Do you promise to take full responsibility if Dana is incarcerated at any time during this outing:
If drinking is involved, will there be a suitable place for Dana to stay (“on my face” is not acceptable. Nice try.):
===================================================
NOTE: a properly filled out application does not guarantee acceptance. please, hold back the tears.
===================================================
If you attempt to kidnap her without the application and screening process, she will find a way to notify the cops and have you skinned alive. Dana does not kid. She’s hardcore like that, yo. She’s always wanted to tie a young male body to the hood of a Lincoln and drive through a corn field… watching the husks tear of layer and layer of flesh…
Thank you for your interest!!
Have a nice day!!
if your status aint hood…
February 2, 2005
It is really great to meet new friends. Kinda refreshing to say the least. Got kidnapped again… this time without the application and skipping the “getting to know you” process. This was all stir of the moment… he had a gun, but didn't pull it on me.
I'm way out of town right now, but not exactly sure where. I think I might be going home sometime today… I think he said something about hitting up a Coney Island. This is good – I'll be able to check out my surroundings on the way out of the complex (unless I'm blindfolded); this way I can give you guys decent landmarks to locate me by… just in case I come up missing.
Thank god he has a computer.
Shit! Gotta go… he's coming!
20289
February 1, 2005
National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day went out with a bang yesterday. I decided to hit the bar at 6:30 with Rob. We started off at the Roche, then to Rumrunners, back to the Roche, and then to Jack's Tavern. During our second Roche visit, we befriended an older gentleman named Bruce. Bruce was a little passed hammered when we met him, but was friendly as hell. We agreed to give him a ride to Jacks… seemed like good company. We were listening to hip hop in the car and Rob decided to change the track; this made Bruce furious “hey! I was listening to that. I like it!” This coming from a sixty-something, drunken Italian man… beautiful. The remainder of the night was spent listening to Bruce tell us how wonderful the two of us are and how we should come stay at his house one day… and tons of video trivia. Pass out. Snore.
I was offered to join Downtown Brown on a little field trip this weekend. This is how our itinerary breaks down:
FRIDAY:
meet up in Dearborn area
Head to Howell to meet Hairy Bob (the bass player)
Go to Lansing
Play Show
Party
SATURDAY:
wake up in Lansing:
Go to Chicago
Play Show
Head to the City
Party
SUNDAY:
Drive Home
I really need to get out. This will be good for me. Besides, how often do I get to travel with a bunch of sweaty, smelly band members crammed in a van?! I recommend that you check out their music – http://www.dtbmusic.com Its freakin' mind-blowing, yo!
…a dream within a dream…
January 31, 2005
Its 5:30am, and here I am again, unable to fall back asleep because of a nightmare. I had one last night, as well, but woke up around 9am instead. Are my days so uninspired that my bored brain has to make up elaborate stories to amuse itself?! And if thats the case, why do they have to be so fucking crazy?!
Take, for example, last night’s dream (please take into consideration that my brother and I have just started “really” getting along about a two years ago):
dream starts out as any other – normal day, normal tasks… until something out of the ordinary begins to stir. My brother, Michael, is acting distant, almost scared. He disappears without a word. Comparable to a “motherly instinct,” my heart tells me that he has run away to join some sort of drug induced cult. I fear for my brother. I mean this is real emotion flowing through me… emotion that I have never associated with him.
I round up my parents. For some reason, there demeter was rather slow and naive. They seemed more like lemmings than loving parents… but I talked them into helping with my crusade. For some reason, our four automobiles never were, and we were forced to ride bicycles to get him. I had no idea where to look, but my heart told me the path to take. Dr. Seuse trees spoke to us, candied flowers swayed in the fields (pretty colorful and trippy at this part). Soon, controlling my bike seemed much harder now. It took me a long while – few miles – to realize what had changed. We now had to peddle with our hands. (yeah.)
Picnic time!! My stepfather stopped us for lunch. Mayonnaise and ham sandwiches. WHAT? He was dipping is sandwich in a helmans jar and sucking off the mayo. I was furious. Mayo, at that level, can kill you. WHY NOT MUSTARD?! “Oh, but mayo has zero carbs” FUCK THE CARBS!! This went on for what seemed to be an hour. Back to hand peddling…
We rode through cities and miles of farmland. I could feel my heart pounding with fear, but I could tell that my parents were just along for the ride. Up ahead I see a building – this is it. No actual details or a special qualities about it – just your regular factory. I dont remember there being windows, but I do remember a pond with a fountain just over the hill (damn, I’m out of shape).
When we pull up, the bikes disappear. We’re in the matrix, surrounded by three very tall white walls and one black tinted glass wall. One wall has a door on the left and an extremely large screen. The screen was playing PSA’s about children and drug use. Door was locked. I remember struggling with it while my parents told me to quiet down or we might get caught. Get caught?! like I cared at this point. Without support from my parents, I began to flip out. My body went into super-karate kid-mode. I started flying around kicking and punching all the walls until an area of the blank wall opened up revealing bifold closet doors. This was the hidden enterance… the other door was put there as a decoy to wear me down. Those assholes!!
Beyond the door was a long sterile white hospital-like hallway with many doors. Flashing florescent lighting. Everything was in slow motion for me when I entered. I didn’t even bother to look behind to see if my parents were following. The first few rooms had a few beds, the next was a room with seven sewing machines (yes, I counted). Patients in white jumpsuits kept passing me… they had no faces… but I can tell that they were numb. More beds have passed, but one room had people velcroed to the wall… these faces I could see… it was down syndrome children. If they had been a little bluer, I would have thought them to be dead, but it seems that they were just put there for safe keeping… or on break from their needlepoint.
I become furious that people would enslave handicapped people. I try to run, but something kept slowing me down. Last door… on the left. I’m almost too frightened to look in. My brother is dressed in all white, slumped up against an all white box on the floor… no movement. I run in and pull him into my arms. He is blank, but I can hear him whisper to me “save me, dana. please, save me! save me!”. As I hold him, gravity begins so slip away from him. His body starts to lift, starting with his legs. I’m trying to hold him down as good as I can… struggling. I look back at the door, and there’s my parents chumming it up with a doctor! At that point, I knew they were in on his disappearance the entire time. My heart died then. I woke up.
Dont as me.
Tonights dream followed along with my “Deliverance” fears (cutting this one a little shorter):
It begins begins by me seducing wealthy twenty-somethings for their drug money so I can go on an expedition with my friends. While seducing one man, my mother steals me away to help tame a black cougar that has been terrorizing a house-turned-gift shop on the lake’s shore. We parachute down to the deck, I could see nothing but dead fish floating in the current. The cougar was easy to handle, so I decided to break into the house. I remember skipping a bit… then found elderly naked people in the hot tub on the third floor. They begged for me to join… I ran.
I’m on to another man… and I believe that I am up to over a grand in riches. This time, getting the money would be more of a game. My friends Scott and Freddy gave up early and decided to stay in Cali (i dont know, I just remember getting a letter stating that they wouldn’t be “playing” anymore). It was just myself and two others left. This man was a little more challenging. He was extremely good looking… I could have stayed there and be happy, but I knew I had to move on. This was a swimming game. I had to swim through this pool, and everything I brought back to him rewarded me with another check. This lasted for a few hours. There was a lot of flirting and a lot of sexual tension. Cut.
Im in the back of a pick-up truck counting money. I remember scratching numbers on the back of a check with a twisty straw pen (i stole this from one of the guys), when I realize that my friend Aaron is passing the bank and I request for him to stop at another. He agrees. We are driving down a dirt road going west… out to country land. Aaron pulls off into a convenience store parking lot and jumps out… money flies everywhere. I look out the back window and see him rushing a truck, screaming at the passengers about not helping a man stranded on the side of the road in need. The female passenger picks up a hatchet and smashed the dash. This is when “Deliverance” comes to mind. I scream to Mark, “LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW – MOVE OVER AND DRIVE!!” At that point, I knew we had to cut our losses (Aaron) and get out of there as soon as possible. Its a bumpy road. I strain to look out the back window at the cars. The woman is lifting a shot gun at us… her face shaking. I order Mark to swerve the car to avoid shots.
The rest of the dream is us escaping. My thoughts were clear: “We cant take this road farther west because Lapeer leads us to the county, and we cant take it long enough to merge onto i-96… the country roads will surely be home to their relatives, who will radio them with our locations! We will have to turn now, attempt to pass them without quarrel, and hit of i-94… only major cities. We need to ditch the truck. THEY WILL FIND US!” I wake up. Trust me, this dream was so much more “involved”… I’m just getting a little drained right now.
So here I am. Its now 6:36am. My little brother is on his way to school. My mother is making me a cup of green tea. Today should be an eventful day – ITS JESUS’ 1ST BIRTHDAY!!! I’m taking him shopping later. Oh the fun we will have.
Till next time, kids. This is Dana… over and out.
first a fan club… next is world domination.
January 30, 2005
excerpts from a letter recieved earlier in the month from an old journalist friend of mine.
“Dana,
After reading, finally, everything on your LiveJournal, I have to say you've rocketed to the top of my list of favorite alcoholic ex-junkies. Seriously, you're atop some famous names.
Confucius, or some other inscrutable ancient Asian sage, once said, “May you live in interesting times.” Wait, that may have come from a fortune cookie. In any case, it's one of those pronouncements that's completely loaded with meaning through it's stunning simplicity. You life, obviously, has been interesting. Thanks for sharing it with us.
…
You're a witty writer. You should do something with that. The Internet is littered with excellent writers, but the Internet is a vast wasteland of unpaid talent. It reminds me of an old expression I've recalled in hard times: “The world is filled with educated derelicts.”
…
Maybe I should drink more. Any advice?
I did not edit nor spell-check this communique, so all forms of criticism of its content, style, language, et al. is null and void.
I insist you write me back. In complete, English sentences, too.
I remain, most affectionately, yours …
Bill”
… inside the MySpace Bulletin Network
January 20, 2005
terry – actually, i met dana braun (me) 134,000 years ago on the serengeti plain in africa. the only thing was, we were both pre-cambrian primates, so we couldn't have a very good conversation. we basically just grunted and threw feces at each other. however, i met her again 97 years in the future when i was exploring mars as part of a plot by the pickled head of ronald reagan to colonize mars to build dust factories there. apparently she had crash landed on mars when her spaceship went out as she was returning from a mission to uranus where she was collecting fashionable hand made friendship bracelets from the kindly wombat people of uranus. and that brings us up to right now.
belle isle bliss… or just random rants
January 10, 2005
I really cant stop thinking about him. I’m no longer torturing myself, but I am always asking myself what it would be like if I would have handled things differently between us. I mourn more for Tim then I have for any of my family members… is that wrong? I ran away again last weekend to the city. I met a friend and went out on the town. One of the places we hit up was The Bronx. Ironically, the only table open was the one where Tim and I sat together. It didn’t sadden me or make me uncomfortable, but it was pretty eerie. My attention was torn from my friend numerous times and my mind wandered back to that night… flashbacks of conversations, shared smiles. It did somewhat scare me to see the camera flashes from across the bar… the same ones that blinded Tim.
Death has taken on a tn of new meaning for me. I never really took it seriously. Now I find myself re-evaluating my stance on the afterlife quite a bit. I’m not sure if I’m scared of death or not… I know its inevitable… but I want to see him again. While napping Friday before going out, I had a quite disturbing dream. It had to do a lot with art and music… but at the end, I was running through Port Huron screaming “Happy Port Huron Day!!” to randoms. I was so excited for this nonexistent holiday that I wanted to spread the cheer to everyone… increasing my spead… yelling to all. Seemed like I was running 30-40mph until I hit a bend in the road and was no longer able to control myself. I flew off a cliff (Port Huron doesn’t have cliffs) and flew straight over the water with RoadRunner-esque excitement (thinking I’d fly) to get to the other side of the water to greet more people. I lost speed about 20 meters off the cliff, and at that moment, I realized that I was going to drop and die. I remember my heart stopping at the realization, and I remember having a moment of clarity and an acceptance of my fate… but after all of that… I realized I was dreaming and woke up.
I wonder if everyone accepts death in that way. Is it possible to just take it like a champ? For that split second, I felt “ok”… like I was going to be fine even without knowing what would happen to me in the afterlife. I think I felt more alive knowing that I was going to die than I have in my happiest moments. It was a warm rush… an odd warm rush.
Enough of that.
I think I am going to make a more honest attempt to better my life. A friend pointed out to me that is is ridiculous of me to be so self conscious. Why cant I just accept my body as beautiful… its mine… so I should love it unconditionally… and not let anyone tell me otherwise or let them tear me down. I think I would be further in my life if I could have put all that behind me and just moved on a new person with a higher level of self confidence.
Kidnappers can be wise… not always violent. Belle Isle… Belle Isle.
I am every woman…
and it goes a little something like this.
December 16, 2004
It was just brought to my attention that a few of my “friends” are a little sensitive about their first names being slandered here in my journal… I guess one of them figured out how to operate a computer and read a little bit of this real-life soap opera. Out of respect, I am going to take out all of their first names and replace them with cute nicknames… that way all of you out there will have no idea who they are… we can’t hurt any precious egos here… because I’m sure you all know who they are… I mean… aren’t you all from Port Huron?? I mean, first names give away identities. god. life. give me a fucking break.
Please give me some time to edit all of these entries.
And to all of the people named within these pages, I’m sorry to have hurt you and your good name… but you obviously hurt me first. bitch. If randoms can somehow figure out who you are by your “new and improved” name, your real name must have been damaged far worse before I ever typed it out. word to your mothers.
18730
December 16, 2004
A few days have past since Timmy’s funeral. At first I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle going, being an outsider and all, but the strength of a stranger helped me through it. A girl named Suzette came across my MySpace profile, and we spoke briefly of Tim. She and I were pretty much in the same situation – just met him, found a certain “love” for him, and lost him too quickly. We went together to the funeral. It was nice not to feel so alone. Sometimes I feel really embarrassed for being so emotional about his death, but I’m now starting to handle it a little better. I still think of Tim everyday… numerous times a day… but I no longer think of his death or the accident, I think about him as if he were sitting right next to me. I smile a lot… thinking about him smiling. As much as I’ve denied the the “afterlife”, I take it all back and wish that he is in a magical place, looking down on all of us… whiskey in hand, laughing at our dumb asses. Our guardian angel.
I have a strong hunger to learn from him… taste a bit of his wisdom. Thats all I ever wanted. I want to do good. I want to live the right life. I want to make something of myself. There’s no point to cheating yourself out of a good reality, you know? I have to stop acting so foolish by taking everything for granted – smell the air, draw, sing… live. Damn, even Tim thought he was immortal. I guess he lived more of a life than any of us could dream in his 24 years. Unbelievably admirable. I guess that is his immortality – we carry him on… Tim is alive in the eyes of everyone he has touched… such an addicting spirit… pure.
Life is on a downward spiral for me. My mental state isn’t as stable as I was hoping it would be. I believe I am depressed. I have no desire to hang out with my friends, other than my bar bouts, and I am grossly addicted to MySpace. I’ve even started an advice column, “Ask Dana”… who the fuck do I think I am? I really do love my online family. They are supportive, loving, hysterical… and I dont have to worry about them fucking around on me. I do consider them friends… more than I consider my real friends friends. I think I’ve met more real people online than I have outside of the monitor. Funny how that all works out.
I guess as far as the whole “depression” thing goes, I’ll be better. I just have to find more ways to amuse myself… my run for presidency was short lived, the creamer crusade will only last a short while longer… what am I to do next?? I think my quirks are just tiny glimpses into the insanity I am about to reach.
Another Christmas party is coming up. Santa said its going to snow… and I’m the guest of honor.
I think I might be gettig a little too old for these parties. They dont appeal to me as much. Is it because I’m broke… or that I have a new appreciation for my health?? Who knows. Lets see how Saturday treats me.
Its still early. I’m going to drink this tea, take another bath… waste away.
Rest in Peace Tim VanEsley
December 9, 2004
Yesterday morning, a good friend of mine was killed in a car accident. Worse than that, he burned to death. The news floored me. My body shut down. I cried so hard for so long that my eyes were swollen shut for three hours after I woke this morning. I have so much unfinished business with this man. There are so many things I needed to tell him. Just one more hug… I promised it would be better. Tim taught me so much… he inspired so many thoughts. He rubs his feet while sleeping… just like I do. His favorite number is 3,162… I’ll never forget, he told me at the Garden Bowl the first time I met him – what a night. His eyes are piercing and wise. Tim and I were penpals, just like a lot of you are. Tim helped me through a lot. I could expect a letter from him daily… and they were usually cryptic… which made them fun. I’m having a lot of trouble seeing through these tears.
See, I scared Tim off. Yeah, I managed to do it again. I came on too strong, and I think he thought I was interested in him further than what we were. I’m not sure exactly if that is true… but I do know in my heart that I love him. He and I really haven’t spoken in a month. It was really hard on me. Every chance I got, I would run to my computer and pray that he sent me something. I figured that if I gave it time, the whole thing would blow over and the two of us could be friends… and laugh together… forever… thats what we’re good at. Here’s one of his favorite jokes = “What do gay horses eat?” ??? “Haaaaaaay!” … and thats coming from a genius.
Fuck Fuck Fuck. He didn’t deserve this. Not Tim. Fuck. My heart is broken. I just want to see him one more time. Just to give him one more hug. Share a couch. Obsess over red meat. I promised him.
I called the XKrew, they took pictures of he and I November 13 outside of The Bronx in Detroit. They are going to mail them to me. I don’t know if I will be able to handle looking at them. His eyes were most likely shut, he was complaining all night about how bright light (especially camera flashes) blinded him. Its funny, I had to lead him around the bar because he couldn’t see… he lost one of his contacts.
You know, I haven’t gone one day without thinking about Tim once… I dream about him all the time, too. The last time I dreamt about him, he was sitting in a factory by a huge window. His face was fairly blank and he turned to me saying “I need something. I’m lonely here, Dana.” It was creepy. The dream about the pyramid was about him and my good good friend Jeff… they were the skippers.
This man inspired me. I have every email he sent me since the middle of Octover saved. I’m scared to read through them, but thats the whole reason I’ve been saving them… memories of him. Fuck.
Bring him back. Please. I will do anything. please… this hurts. this is so cruel! he deserves so much in life. he wanted so much.
Fuck it. I’m putting these here so I dont lose them. THIS IS MORE FOR ME THEN YOU.
Tim: “well, let me know if you still want to go to the oscars. they are being held on mars this time around. it takes 6 months to get there in my diamond space car, so let me know. “
“i’m guessing that you are coming with me, then? good. i am melting down the platinum for fuel as we speak.”
Tim: “you sound pretty upset. i hope you’re ok. you know, you can always call me if you need to talk to someone. it’s one step closer to reality. regardless, i really hope you are ok. i share your misery as of late, i assure you. you are not alone.” Please stay. Come back.
Tim: “you’ve been doing this to me! anyways, you be nice. you’ve made me feel better when i’ve been feeling horrible lately, so be nice to yourself as well. don’t you dare be mean to this girl dana who i hold so high. she is beautiful, creative, intelligent and extremely witty. you german weirdo.”
Tim: “wow. don’t move to texas. stay here and bear my children. i won’t tell anyone about the page… i love secrets. i didn’t watch football yesterday, i was too busy getting drunkified and scaring little kids. but we’ll find something to talk about. oh, and wow. and thanks.”
Tim: “the general consensus is that i am correct about the soup. i don’t see how there could be any question. i will see the eradication of minestrone and those who consume it within my lifetime. you’ve got to have goals, you know. “
Tim: “i certainly went back to bed. i just woke up as a matter of fact. i feel like i have the flu, i’ve been nauseous all day. it’s time for me to hide out for a few days, i think. i wouldn’t worry too much about the dreams. people read too much into things sometimes. we figured you might feel a separation anxiety with this place. noone ever wants to leave. we have magical powers. jeff secretly collected hair from you during the night for your voodoo doll. i’m going to go try and drink something without puking, then watch seinfeld. i will be back later, i’m sure, if i can get my ass up again. poor me.”
Tim: “that guy is so very wrong on much of his lobster facts. unless the sick bastards that catch and cook them come up with their own terms, i guess. most arthropods can be frozen and re-animated. that is a well known fact. farming them is possible, but not in large numbers, because they love the taste of each other more than anything. the babies, when they are born, will eat the mother if she is not relocated quickly. her shell is extremely soft, making her extremely vulnerable at that point. i learned that the hard way. i breed them as pets, not to eat, so i let the strongest survive, and when the babies number between 25-50, then i get them to a retailer. if they are sufficiently fed, they won’t eat each other. i’m boring you- i’ll ramble on more about this some other time.”
Tim: “my space car is in the garage. you didn’t go in there, did you? i didn’t think so. don’t you get all up in ma face, or i’m unna have to fine me some utha biatch to go wit me. word.”
Tim: “dear crypto:
1) i did inquire at least one that i know of. i’ll have to find it for you.
2) see .1.
3) this may be the problem we experienced with .s 1 & 2. damn tom to hell for all eternity.
4) it seems that a growing number of michigan myspace users are petitioning for one of those myspace parties here in michigan. this would be a perfect opportunity, and also cheaper.
5) i won a spelling bee once. i got a dictionary with my name on it in gold letters.
6)crazy? no. psycho? no. batshit nuts is what i was thinking. i like that better. just like ted turner.
7) i’m not allergic to anything. no chronic physical ailments or diseases either. for me to be this sick is quite rare, but i suppose it has to happen once and a while just to keep my immune system in check.
8) thanksgiving sucked. i went out to eat lunch, then went home to take a nap. i woke up at 2:30 in the morning and had obviously missed the whole day. damn this entitilitis!
9) i don’t know. now i’m confused again.
here at the end, would you be referring to mork & mindy? hairy aliens are the best aliens. why isn’t that shit on anymore? a shame. it is. happy friday-
van-el.”
Tim: “sounds like someone has been watching a little too much mork & mindy- i’ve never heard anyone use those words before in an actual real-life sentence. extremely commendable.”
Tim: “i am the keymaster.”
Tim: “finally coming down, are you? we’re not going to let you leave, you know. jeff and i built a giant pyramid in the empy lot nextdoor, just for your amusement. we’re working on the skipping.” My favorite.
I cant stop the tears anymore. I had someone really good by my side… or at least on the other side of the screen. I miss you… I love you, Tim.
ask Dana #5: falling trees, STDs, and little people
December 6, 2004
Dear Dana,
Why does it burn when i pee??
Well, it can be a number of problems, friend. It might be a bladder infection, a urethral condition, or a kidney infection…
but what I really want to consentrate on are sexually transmitted diseases (STDs for short). You can get these by sticking it to a person who isn’t as “clean” as they look or claim to be… you know what I mean. Does “Jessika with a K” ring a bell? Ha. Next time, lets wrap it up a few more times. Remember, STD’s can make people a little more than crabby. Clever, huh?
If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, does anybody give a fuck?
… are you serious? is that tree nearby and along side a road that takes me to the bar… and is it falling across said road, blocking my trip? no? then i really dont care that much. question answered.
Where is a good place to take pre-op transsexual midgets on a first date?
beautiful. I had to consult a panel of experts on this one. I went to several MySpace groups (midgets of america, everything’s better with midgets, secret ninja midgets, heavy metal midgets, midget mexicans & giant bean burritos trust fund, funsters, tattoo’d midgets on x, AND the midget mafia) asking them to give me information on what they may expect.
while I am waiting on responses (and pretty eagerly, I should add), I’ll give you a few pointers:
1. it is always a good idea to involve at least a little alcohol into the first date… just to loosen things up a bit. Nothing is better than a dancing little person.
2. dont take your midget anywhere they might feel uncomfortable – amusement parks, horseback riding… any restaurant where they do not offer booster seats…
3. if the date goes well, or if you are in need of something a little easier on the eyes, a strip club never fails.
I hope this can help you a tiny bit… I will get back to you with more as soon as I recieve it.
-Dana
who is this
