Suicide Hotline Updates

“pumpernickel is like bran flakes without the raisins“

“can I get a meat tenderizer and some pancake mix“

“Foil – its not just for smoking crack anymore.”

“So what if the captain had two dicks and wings… then what?”

“Step 1: put food on grill.  Atep 2: flip food.  Step 3: repeat until bleeding stops. step 4: eat.   Its like making drinks, but with blood and patience.”

“See – people are ice skating at 11:30 – and we cant find no weed?”

“God!  I want to go to the Vatican and fuck up the water.”

“So she’s got a little tang-tang and a bit ol ass?”

“Yeah – strippers wear layers, too!”

“Nothing says love like pressing your genitals against a good friend.”

“Clit-oris!  Playin’ it.”

“You can sell steak for heroin?”

“(talking about money) ATM!?  Those are the guys who kicked in my door!”

“I never thought anyone would answer those numbers on the bathroom stalls – but you did!”

“We’re Lexington Heights wannabes.  We thugs.” “Like crips?” “No – I dont look good in blue.”

(phone rings) “Shut your n*gga fucking phone off.” “Its my mom.” “Oh.  Tell her I said hiiiiii.”

“Money hoes and clothes – all a homie knows.”

“Phones are like that.  Never trust anything that can call other people just by being in your pants.”

“Lace out gatorade with saltpeter.”

“So how long until they are done sewing their wild oats?”  ”March obviously.”

“Guys at strip clubs arent all cool – they’re not all like me – I’ll just take you home and bang you.”

“A day without a buzz is a day that never was.”

“Its like two deaf people trying to make a sticker transaction.”

“Its eight in the morning and here we are talking about horse cock.”

“Can I get a hallelujah!”  ”AMEN!!”  ”Oh lord – This must be a dyslexic church.”

“It dont get hard, it just shakes” (commenting on parkinsons)

“I cant be held accountable for what comes out of my mouth after midnight.” “Its only 11, Gary.”  ”SEE WHAT I’M SAYING!”

“Have you ever had the date rape drug?” “Why yes – I drank a 20oz of it!!”

“You ever been in a corn maze… on beeeeeeer?”

“Man – those were some obedient dogs” (commenting on dog statues on side of road)

“I never done black tar!”

“Wanna tongue fight??”